Back on Mom’s Schedule—Back to Unneeded Stress

Monday, August 27, 2007

It felt great sleeping in for two days but I’m back to waking up at 5:30 or 6:00 and back to sticking with Mom’s schedule. I woke her at the usual time of 6:30, washed and dressed her, took her blood glucose test for her diabetes, had her take her pills, and guided her out the door and into the car to take her to the Day Care.

The sun was shining on my deck when I arrived and Two Feather and I sat outside and enjoyed our morning cup of coffee together. Neither of us felt like doing much so we just sat and enjoyed the sun and talked about the projects we need to do around our house and Mom’s.

My flowerbeds are overgrown with weeds and wild grapevines from the woods surrounding the house have stretched into the yard and over the fence. When fall comes and trees and bushes lose their leaves, we’ll have a major project on our hands.

I called for estimates last week to have a few trees removed from Mom’s because they are a threat to the house and telephone and electric lines. I also asked for an estimate to have the leaning trees removed from behind my garage and along the side of my house. Better to be safe than sorry.

Two Feather and I talked about how we’ve neglected our house and yard because we don’t really have the time to take care of it after we take care of Mom’s place. We’ll eventually get the work done at our house. It may take some time, but we’ll whittle away at it little by little. We will have to start working on it in the next month or so in order to make any progress before winter sets in.

Today was a beautiful day, sun shining and not too humid, and discussing our thoughts on sprucing up the place gave us something to talk and think about. The time seemed to fly and before we knew it the time had come for me to leave to pick up Mom at the Day Care.

The nurses at the Day Care told me Mom didn’t have a good day. She was moody all day and had several incontinent accidents. That was apparent to me when I walked in because Mom had on the “spare clothing” I’d given the Day Care in case of accidents.

On the ride home, Mom’s mood didn’t seem to be any better. Mom didn’t remember that she had been cleaned and changed at Day Care. I guess one of the good things about Alzheimer’s disease is that the loved one forgets they were embarrassed. Unfortunately, the feeling of embarrassment seems to stick with them in an uncertain way. It changes their mood and they can’t remember why they’re angry, but the anger lingers.

Mom didn’t make it to the bathroom once we arrived at home, so I ended up putting her in the shower again. Then, she remembered what happened during the day and became angrier.

“I hate this,” she said. “I did this all day.”

“I know, Mom. Don’t worry about it. Sometimes we have accidents. Let’s get you cleaned up and you’ll feel better.”

She cried the entire time she was in the shower.

Needless to say, after those type incidents, making dinner and trying to eat is a challenge for the caregiver. What appetite one may have had, is gone. In most cases, the loved one normally forgets the incident, sits down to a nice meal, and wonders why you’re not eating dinner, too.

Mom’s appetite isn’t what it used to be. The diabetic diet isn’t the problem, but the amount of food is. It used to be that she could eat the limited card-deck-size piece of meat, the potato or starch, and the vegetables, and ask for more. Lately, I’m lucky if I can get her to eat half of that before she tells me she’s full. Tonight she ate only a few pieces of chicken, a few bites of baked potato, a few teaspoons full of applesauce, and no vegetables.

We sat at the kitchen table and talked for a few minutes and she began to doze as we talked. We were running a bit behind her normal schedule because of the shower, so by 5:45 she was ready for bed; by 6:00 I could hear her snoring through the baby monitor. She’d had a long, hard day with all her accidents and mood swings, and the continued louder pitch of her snoring told me she was totally exhausted.

Two Feather normally comes down to visit me after Mom is asleep. She’s been aware of this since I moved in and said she feels better when he’s here. She’s even told him he should move in, too, but he respects her too much to have her embarrassed by the possibility of him seeing her walking through the house half dressed at times. He always side-steps this offer by saying, “I appreciate the offer, Mother, but I need to take care of our house, too.” She’s content with that.

We sit upstairs and quietly talk for about 30 minutes and he goes back home. This evening because Mom and I were running behind schedule, his visit was later than normal. He came down around 6:30. Just before he was getting ready to leave at 7:00 PM Mom’s phone rang.

Everyone in the family knows Mom goes to bed early and has been directed to call my cell phone if they need to call after 4:30 PM, so I figured it was a telephone solicitor.

Boy was I wrong. It was my brother. He called to ask me why there were stakes and rope at the top of the path. I told him that after the recent storm the path was blocked with trees and Two Feather put up the stakes and rope because he’d be working down there with his chainsaw. He knows his grandchildren play in his yard and he wanted to make sure no one came near there when he began to work on cutting up the fallen trees.

“That’s not why you put them up,” he said. “You put them up to make a point!”

I’m so tire of my brother and his attitude. The only time he calls “me” is to bitch about something.

“What the hell point would I be trying to make by staking and roping off a path that you haven’t used in three years?” I said. “You haven’t used that path since you told me to tell Two Feather he had to cut the grass because you were going on vacation. You haven’t been back to cut the grass or do anything around Mom’s house since. Do you realize how ridiculous and childish you sound?”

“You put them up to make a point,” he repeated.

“So you’re calling me a liar?”

“Yes,” he said.

“Two Feather has never cut wood close to someone’s yard before. I don’t appreciate being called a liar. Excuse me for the fact that Two Feather shows consideration to everyone. I don’t need to explain to you what Two Feather or I do on Mom’s property, and I’m really sick of your childish nonsense. Why don’t you grow up? By the way, what time is it?” I asked.

“Seven, why?”

“What time does Mom go to bed?”

“Five.”

“So, why are you calling her home phone at 7:00 PM? You know to call my cell phone after 4:30. And since you called only to start childish nonsense again, let me remind you that you’re not to stop by the house without calling and verifying if it’s a convenient time.”

“There was no problem when Angel was there.”

“You don’t see barging in on someone else’s visit a problem, I’m sure. But problem or not, it’s a matter of courtesy toward my mother. I either don’t answer the phone because we’re not home or I’m busy with her. Busy can mean many things: She has company, I’m giving her a shower, cleaning up her bed after an accident, cleaning her up after an accident, or her mood and agitation level is bad. The last thing she needs is you just stopping by when we’re ‘busy’ with something like that.”

After a few more insults from my brother bringing up past garbage that has nothing to do with Mom and her illness, I gave up and hung up the phone. I’m so tired of his intimidation tactics and his attitude toward me, and his lack of consideration and courtesy toward my mother.

I’ve sent him information about Alzheimer’s Disease so he could get a better picture of what is going on; to help him understand. I even marked off the stages that she’s already been through. I’d think that he’d have some clue since my dad had this disease as well and died from it nearly 10 years ago.

Sometimes caregivers can explain until they’re blue in the face, the need to keep the loved ones on a schedule, the many things that can and usually do happen during the course of a day, the need to clean and change the loved one, the moods, the agitation, etc., but some people just don’t get it!

The End of My Respite Care Weekend

I slept in again this morning, which not only delayed but also put a halt to the idea Two Feather and I had for today. We thought about going to an open-air flea market in Kirwin Heights where we used to set up his Indian art. We haven’t been there for three years. It’s an early market, though, most vendors are set up at 6:00 AM and leave by 1:00 PM, so it was senseless for us to drive the 45 minutes knowing most of the vendors would be packing up to leave.

Two Feather and I spent the morning talking about how odd it felt to sit on our deck and enjoy our morning cups of coffee together as we did every morning before I moved in with Mom. We reminisced about the powwows and gatherings we had enjoyed and talked about what we might do with our time when the day comes that we’ll be together again.

That discussion didn’t last long because we both felt it was somewhat wrong to discuss a future when the alternative meant that Mom would no longer be here. Yes, we miss our life together, but neither of us would wish for the inevitable to come sooner in order for that future to happen. Our life together was and is precious but having Mom around is too.

We also talked about something that disturbed me on Saturday evening after I called to check to make sure things were running smoothly with Mom and Angel. My brother has been given specific instructions to call and arrange a time for his visits. He’s been told that if I don’t answer the phone we’re either not home or I’m busy with Mom. “Busy” could mean I’m giving her a shower, cleaning up a soiled bed, cleaning accidents on carpeting, or cleaning up Mom after an incontinent accident.

Lately, if I don’t answer the phone and call him back to his immediate satisfaction, he’s been showing up at the house unannounced. He’s found no one home and drives back to his house. I know this because he left a message saying that he stopped by and for us to call when we got back home. When he has shown up during one of the above mentioned busy times, I’ve called him when I’m finished and asked him not to just show up. He accusing me of “not letting” him see my mom. He tunes out what he doesn’t want to hear and exaggerates what he thinks he hears. His response has always been that he doesn’t have to listen to what I say, and his attitude is that he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with no regard to anyone but himself.

The last thing Mom or I need is for him to push his weight around after dealing with one of the situations that I mentioned above. Each of those situations changes Mom’s mood and the mood that results from them is seldom easy to deal with. It takes her an hour or two to get over her anger of incontinence and her anger that she has to take a shower. Most Alzheimer’s patients despise getting in the shower. Any caregiver can tell you that performing daily hygiene is no easy task.

Saturday evening when I called Angel, she told me my brother “showed up” without receiving a call back. Needless to say, this put a damper on the only respite care I’ve had in more than a year. Mom isn’t comfortable with him visiting when I’m not around. I was a bit disappointed in the events that took place and unfortunately expressed that disappointed to my daughter. If I had paid a home health nurse to stay with Mom, that person wouldn’t have known my brother from a rock, and therefore would not be obligated to open the door. I did however understand that Angel was put between a rock and a hard place trying to enforce the simple request I’ve made to my brother, over and over again. She didn’t want to deal with him any more than I do. She’s heard about the outrageous nonsense I deal with from him, and sometimes it’s better to totally ignore people who just don’t get it.

Rather than cause a scene, in front of my mother, and her grandmother, she told him he could visit for a little while, but he’d have to leave soon because she was getting ready to make Mom’s lunch.

Not only did he not comply with my request of him not just showing up, but also he infringed on the time my daughter took out of her busy life (driving four hours from her home) to share with her grandmother. Both, in my opinion, were just more representations of the rudeness and lack of consideration my brother shows. It never ceases to amaze me why some people think they aren’t obligated to comply with the guidelines set forth by the caregiver for the comfort, health, and welfare of a loved one.

I returned to Mom’s house at 3:00 PM so Angel could drive the four hours and be home before dark. She didn’t leave until 4:00 due to the frustration I showed and the discussion we had over this matter. Even leaving an hour later would have put her at home before dark and before Katie’s bedtime at 8:00 PM.

When I didn’t receive a call from Angel by 9:00 to tell me she arrived home safely, I became concerned and called her cell phone. She called back about fifteen minutes later. I could hear the frustration in her voice. Some of it may have been from the conversation we had, but most of it was because she was still driving and hadn’t made it home yet. She’d gone through Pittsburgh, instead of taking the turnpike from Cranberry, and she hadn’t realized one of the Pittsburgh tunnels had been closed. It took her two hours to drive the long way around Pittsburgh to get back near the turnpike. She missed her daughter all weekend, and she missed getting home on time to put her in bed for the night. Her frustration turned to tears and I couldn’t help but feel horribly guilty that I’d taken her away from her daughter and husband for a weekend.

The conversation she and I had before she left wasn’t important now. We both agreed that things should be different with my brother, but regardless of how anything is approached with him, he puts up an automatic defense attitude that gets in the way of any conversation, especially when it comes to me.

Mom had a fairly decent weekend while Angel was there. No accidents. No messes to clean up. Angel got a small taste of what I deal with each and every day taking care of Mom. She also got a taste of what it’s like to miss her own normalcy too. She told me she doesn’t know how I do what I do, and I told her I do it because I love my mother. She reminded me that I should take more time like this so that I live long enough to enjoy a life after Mom. And I reminded her that sometimes it’s easier just to continue what I’m doing rather than deal with the added problems resulting from leaving Mom for a day or so.

It’s difficult not feeling guilty for wanting a day to spend with my significant other, or just a day to spend on my own. The repercussions that result from me being away add to the already difficult task of care giving. Two nights and one day without my presence set Mom back a few notches. All evening she asked if I was going to stay the night and she cried. She said, it was nice visiting with Angel, but she didn’t want me to be away from her again. She was afraid I wasn’t going to come back. She told me she wasn’t comfortable with my brother visiting when I wasn’t home. All evening, after she was in bed, she kept calling out to me to make sure I was still around and to make sure no one else was in the house. Each time she called out for me, I’d go downstairs and reassure her that I’m home and wasn’t leaving again and the only people in the house were us. Five hours, every twenty minutes or so, I’d repeat the same thing: go downstairs, tell her I’m here and staying, we’re the only people in the house, and I’d go back upstairs. She finally fell asleep, exhausted, around 10:00 PM.

Going away for a weekend is just not worth it to me if it’s going to affect Mom this way. I care more about her than I do myself and the anguish caused to her by me being gone for a few days does me no good either. We’ll see what tomorrow brings, but I can place bets that tomorrow I’ll be asked if I’m staying the night again. This is just one more perfect example of how changing the schedule or routine of an Alzheimer’s patient can throw them into a more confused state.

Health care workers tell caregivers to take time like this to relax and recoup some strength. The nurses at the Day Care keep telling me I need to take time for myself. They say, “It may confuse her or make her angry, but she’ll get over it. She’ll forget.” Granted I need to keep up my own health in order to take care of Mom, and respite time allows the caregiver to relax and unwind. But whether Mom forgets within a few days that I was away or not, I just don’t know if I agree that it’s worth adding to her confusion and causing her unneeded anxiety. I’d rather her feel comfortable and secure and her know that I’ll be here until her last day on this earth. She knows she can depend on me and I can’t take that security from her, ever again.