Getting That Christmas Spirit

I’m trying to get into the Christmas Spirit. I even put up Christmas lights in the windows in my rooms upstairs to brighten my spirit. I have nearly all my Christmas shopping finished. That’s not saying much since everyone who knows me knows that I normally have my shopping done by August. At least, I used to.

I have everything wrapped and boxed and ready to send to Stacey and her family in Alabama. Hoping to get that in the mail tomorrow after Two and I deliver the live tree to the day care.

Today was Two’s and my 6th Anniversary. He came down and had coffee with me this morning and after Mom was up and about he brought the Christmas tree upstairs from the basement and went home.

I spent most of the morning sorting through lights and chuckling because I was going through the same aggravation that Angel and Tim went through with their lights yesterday. Only mine was worse. I had all my lights working and had them on the tree, then, one minute the lights were lit and half the string was blinking and the next minute they lost their glow. I ended up taking all of them off and sitting for another hour fixing strings of lights. I finally got them working again and put them back on the tree just before dinner was ready.

I made a roast for an early 2:00 dinner and Two came back down to Mom’s and ate dinner with us. After dinner I had planned for Mom and I to decorate the tree. She had no interest in helping decorate; she just wanted to sit and watch. I think she enjoyed me struggling with the lights. She laughed a few times.

Never before has it ever taken me so long to put up a Christmas tree. After it was finished, Mom and I had a light snack. She couldn’t wait to go to bed and I couldn’t wait to come upstairs to let loose the tears that I’d been holding in all day.

It felt so odd decorating the tree by myself. It was always a family project and there was always a lot of talking and singing and laughing. The only person there to share it with was Mom, who had no interest in what was going on. She didn’t comprehend that Christmas was near, what the tree was for, and for that matter, I’m not sure she even knows what Christmas means anymore.

After a long hard cry, I sat on the bed and looked at the Christmas lights in my window. I’m not sure what this holiday season or the winter may bring, but the lights in the window helped brighten my spirit. I know that, if even for a moment, Mom enjoyed watching me decorate the tree, the time it took was worth it. When it was finished, she said it was the prettiest tree she’s ever seen. For now, I’ll take all those moments I can get.

Happy Anniversary Two! Happy Holidays to everyone. I'll try to post more frequently.

The Last Month of the Year

Here it is the last month of the year and I sit wondering where the year has gone. As I look back at some of my earlier posts, I become more and more aware of Mom’s mental and physical decline. She rarely knows my name. She sometimes know I’m her daughter, and even when she utters the word, she doesn’t comprehend that me being her daughter means that she is my mother.

Most of the time, Mom has no idea where she is, even when she’s home, and I’m just a nice, pretty lady who sits and talks with her and treats her very good.

We’re no longer living with a moment-to-moment memory—we’re living second-to-second. It is so heartbreaking watching Alzheimer’s take her mind.

The day care is decorating for Christmas. They already have an artificial tree decorated. On Friday, they said they wanted a small, real pine tree (a Charlie Brown tree) to set beside a cardboard fireplace decoration. I told them I could help them with that. Two and I will be cutting down a small tree and donating it to the day care on Monday.

Mom and I went to Angel’s house Saturday to watch Angel and Tim put up their Christmas tree. Their light strings were giving them problems, so we got to visit while they sorted through what worked and what didn’t. Katie was napping most of the time we were there, but we had the chance to visit with her when she woke up. She was putting together a puzzle of the United States just before we left.

I’m sure I’ll get to see their tree decorated sometime during the holidays. The tree they bought was beautifully shaped. I’m sure by the end of the evening it was filled with beautiful lights and ornaments as well.

Christmas—The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

For those who want to read nothing but peace and goodwill, and want to see a pretty picture of a family at a dinner table, all showing love to each other, you may as well stop reading now. Family died with Dad.

It’s over and I’m done.
Bending over backwards to please others is over and I’m done getting screwed.

I’ve written about a few of the petty goings-on with this so-called family, but I’ve kept quiet about a lot of the lack of respect and ignorance I’ve tolerated. That ends here too!

Ray, my so-called brother, hasn’t bothered to call or visit Mom in four months. Why? He tells everyone it’s because of me. He says I’m keeping him from seeing Mom. That’s a lie. The truth is, he doesn’t have time for her if visiting isn’t at his convenience, and four months ago, after his wife screamed at me on the phone accusing me of not letting him see her, we put a fence line up on the edge of Mom’s property. He did have time to hire an attorney to send a letter to Mom and me four months ago threatening legal action, though. Threatening me for trespassing on what is really Mom’s property that he is trying to claim as his, and threatening Mom with legal action to take that property he’s trying to claim. Nice son, huh!

Because of his and his wife’s attorney letter addressed to my mom, it was against my better judgment to bend over backwards to make arrangements for this so-called son to spend time with Mom on Christmas. But I did make those arrangements and I’m sorry I bothered, because I broke Mom’s trust. I’ll never do that again! So, here was my Christmas…

The Good

Christmas morning was wonderful. Two came down from our house and we sat upstairs enjoying our morning coffee until it was time to wake up Mom. I got Mom up and got her into the shower without a problem, made her breakfast and the three of us sat and talked until Angel, Tim, and Katie came to visit and open gifts. Mom enjoyed watching Katie open her gifts. She enjoyed opening her own gifts as well. Stacey sent a box from Alabama and Mom loved the new sweatshirt, handkerchiefs, and two black velvet pictures to color. Angel, Tim, and Katie bought Mom a new jogging suit and blouse. Two Feather and I bought her a new sweatshirt, blouse, pajamas, socks, emery boards, and chap stick. Stacey called from Alabama while Angel was there so she was able to talk to everyone.

Two left around 11:00 to go back to the house and wait on his dad and step-mom to come. Angel, Tim, and Katie left around noon and headed over to Tim’s parents to open gifts with them.

Around 1:00 Two, his dad, and step-mom came down to Mom’s and ate our early dinner with us. Mom met them a few years ago when we went to Two’s Dad’s house for a visit. She recognized their faces as being familiar, but she didn’t remember the trip. They stayed until 3:00 and left to finish their day. It was a beautiful morning and afternoon.

The Bad

This is where the day turned a bit sour. Mom was sitting content and comfortable in her chair in the living room and Ray came at 3:30 to take her to his house for dinner.

“Mom, Ray wants to take you up to his house for dinner for Christmas.”
“I don’t want to go up there.”
“It’s Christmas, Mom. He wants you to go to his house for dinner and spend some time with you.”
“I don’t care. I don’t want to go up there.”

Ray heard this conversation from the dining room.

“Where is he? On the phone?”
“No, Mom. He’s here.”
“Humph.”
“You don’t want to come up for dinner? Why not? Pat’s there. Toby and Mandy and the kids will be there,” Ray said.
“Oh, you’re here. I haven’t seen you in a long time.”
“I know it’s been too long. I missed you,” Ray said.
“Yeah, you’d never know it.” Mom was irritated.
“So, you want to come to dinner?”
“Not really.”

Stupid me, trying to keep an argument from starting said, “Oh Mom, You’ll have fun once you’re there. They haven’t seen you for a long time.”
“I know they haven’t,” she said, glaring at me.

While Ray put her coat on her she glared at me the whole time. Piercing angry eyes, pleading for me to stop the process that was taking place. I knew if I didn’t encourage her to go I would have had an argument with Ray. I should have let the argument happen rather than put my Mom in a position to go somewhere she didn’t want to go.

She walked with her walker to the door turning and looking at me with those piercing angry and pleading eyes. My heart broke as she turned with tears in her eyes asking for a kiss and hug before she left. “I’ll miss you,” she said.
“You won’t have time to miss me, Mom. You won’t be gone that long.”

Twice, before she made it off the porch she asked for a hug and kiss and held me like she didn’t want to let go. Ray slung the diaper bag over his shoulder and Mom was at the edge of the porch and the walker rolled off the steps and crashed to the sidewalk.

“Stand there, Mom,” Ray said.
“I'll hold Mom while you get the walker, Ray.” I tried to say it as nicely as I could letting him know he shouldn’t leave her standing alone.

He tossed the diaper bag into the car and grabbed Mom’s arm to walk her to the car. I picked up the walker and folded it so he could put it in his car.

“Ray, she needs to use the walker at your house and she’ll need help in the bathroom, and not by you because that’s not appropriate.”

He nodded.

Mom made it to the car with Ray holding her arm telling her, “I’ve got you.” She went to get into the car and instead of sitting in the seat she fell into the seat.

“Well, you didn’t have me very good, did you,” she said to Ray angrily.

All I could think was, good grief, he hasn’t even left the driveway yet and already her walker went flying and she fell into the seat of the car. Is she going to come back in one piece?

As Ray walked around the car I said, “I’m holding you responsible for her while she’s with you. If anything at all happens to her, you call my cell phone immediately.”

“We’ll be OK, won’t we?” he asked me. He was nervous.

“If you listen to what I’ve told you, you’ll be fine.”

Mom waived at me from the car. Her face was filled with anger, hurt, sadness—and exhaustion.

Two came down to pick me up and we went to my house. All I kept thinking was that I didn’t stand up for Mom’s wishes as I normally do. I was sending her off with a son who hadn’t bothered with her for four months. She was going to spend an evening with a family of strangers. People—her grandson, his wife and great grandchildren who live 10 minutes away and haven’t talked to her or visited her since last Christmas. People, who have no clue that Mom can sit and talk to them as if she knows them, yet wonder who they are the whole time she’s talking.

Two tried to take my mind off my Mom by turning on a movie. It was an excellent movie—Black Cloud, about an Indian boxer. It ended at 6:30 and Ray called at 7:00 to tell me he was bringing Mom home. “I’ll be there in 10 minutes,” he said. I knew it would take longer. It takes that long to get Mom from the house to the car. Two and I went back down to Mom’s house and sat at the kitchen table waiting.

The Ugly

Ray pulled in at 7:30. When Mom came in the door her eyes filled with tears. Whether the tears were relief of being home or distress from being away, I wasn’t sure, but I soon found out. I could see the exhaustion on her face.

“Are you OK, Mom?” I asked. She didn’t answer. She pursed her lips to keep from crying.

“Are you OK, Mother?” Two asked as I guided her to her chair at the table.
“Yeah, I’m okay. I’m tired. I’m glad it’s over.”

Ray went back out to the car to get the diaper bag and gifts.

I gave Mom a hug and asked if she had a good time. She looked at the door as Ray walked in and said, “I’m not doing that again.”

He set a bag on the floor and said there were a few pieces of pie in the bag and a few lottery tickets, a gift card, and some chocolate.

“Ray, you understand and remember me saying that this was a one time thing with Mom being up this late—that I’m not changing her schedule but this one time. This is too hard on her. She’s exhausted.”
“I thought you said she could come up for dinner on Sundays.”
“I did, and that’s only if Mom wants to go and if you change your dinner time to fit her schedule.”
He wasn’t happy with that, and looked at Mom for her to disagree. Mom looked up at him and said, “Yes, I’m tired.”
“I'll call you,” Ray said as he headed for the door.

Just before he walked out the door, Two Feather said, “Hey Ray, don’t you have something to say to Joanne?”
“I already said Merry Christmas.”
“Something other than that?” Two asked.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“I think a ‘thank you’ is in order.”
“Oh yeah, thanks for letting me see Mom,” Ray said as he closed the door and left.

Mom grabbed Two’s hand and said, “Thank you. I’m glad you said that.”

Ray wasn’t even off the porch before Mom said, “I’m never doing that again!” She was angry…at me.

“Why Mom? What’s wrong?”
“Don’t you ever make me go there again. I didn’t want to go.”
“Then you have to tell Ray that so I don’t get accused of keeping him from you.”
“I did say I didn’t want to go!” she yelled. “You didn’t stop him!”
“No, I didn’t stop him. I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t want an argument on Christmas. From now on, I promise you don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to. But this was Christmas,” I said.

“If I’m around next Christmas, I’m not going and if you make me go, I’m moving out of here! If it wasn’t for that lady, Pat, I wouldn’t have had anyone to talk to.”

“I’m sorry, Mom.”

So there it is. I tried to make Christmas enjoyable for everyone and all I succeeded doing was making my mom angry with me by breaking her trust in me.

I’ve been living with Mom and taking care of her for three years for her health, safety, welfare, and dignity. Until now, I’ve held to her wishes. I went against my better judgment to give an “I” person what he wanted. There is no “I” in mother. Mother ends with “her.” It should be all about HER.

Maybe I should have called you at one, two, three, and four o’clock in the morning when Mom woke up asking nonexistent people in her bedroom, “Where’s Joanne? Why isn’t she here for dinner?”

Maybe you can explain that to her. I can’t.

From this point on, whether people understand or not, there is no changing HER schedule for anyone. For this so-called family who claim they want to ‘see’ her—you’ll have to call or visit HER in HER house on HER schedule. If you can’t do that you’re not much of a family, are you?

It’s over and I’m done.

Two Feather—The Problem Solver

It’s been difficult for me to get into the holiday spirit. On-going family issues that just should not be happening and wondering how I’m going to make time for everyone to see Mom has put a damper on any good feeling I have about this holiday.

In one last effort to try to make things right, I called my brother, Ray, yesterday morning and left a message for him to call me back.

I went on with my plans and took Mom to Angel’s house around 2:00 to bake and decorate cutout cookies. Ray called me back while we were there. I asked if he was planning to visit with Mom on Christmas since he hasn’t come around or called for four months. He said he hadn’t planned on it, because of me, but he would like to see her. I asked Ray if I hadn’t called to make these arrangements if he would have bothered calling. He admitted he wouldn’t have. I told him I’d keep Mom up a little longer on Christmas Eve so he could visit after she got home from day care, and he said he’d have to check with his wife and call me back.

Mom and I were at Angel’s house for only about an hour and a half and I took her home. When we got home, I called Two Feather to let him know we were back and told him my brother called me back. Two Feather told me to call him after I got Mom in bed because he wanted to come down and talk to me about something.

When Two Feather came down, he told me that while Mom and I were at Angel’s house, he went up to talk to Ray. He asked him if he’d received my message yet and Ray told him no. Two Feather said he was there to make peace and told Ray that I had called to make arrangements to set a time for him to visit with Mom. He also told Ray that the lies about me trying to keep him from seeing Mom needed to stop. Two Feather told Ray that five years ago when he met my older brother, Bob, he asked Two Feather to take care of me, and he is taking care of me—from this point on if anyone messes with Joanne ever again, physically or mentally, they have to deal with him. He told Ray that I was doing fine taking care of Mom, but all the other family nonsense was making me sick and everything that has been going on hasn’t been about keeping him from his mother. He told Ray that calling me names had to stop. Ray told Two Feather he appreciated him coming to talk with him. Two shook his hand in the Indian way expecting my brother to hold to his word from this point on.

I’ve said before that Two Feather always finds a way to solve a problem and he’ll either leave you with a smile on your face or something to think about. It didn’t surprise me that he took it upon himself to try to make peace during a holiday he doesn’t celebrate. To Two Feather people should gift others with kindness and gratitude every day of the year, not just on one day. Everyday is Christmas.

When Ray didn’t call me back, Two and I sat and talked about other options. I called Ray this morning and told him that since it’s Christmas and I’m trying to make everyone happy, Mom could go off her normal schedule for one day so she could have Christmas dinner with him. He could pick her up at 3:30, spend a few hours with her before they had their dinner at 5:30, have dinner, and still spend some time with her after dinner.

Yes, Mom is normally getting in bed at the time they’ll be eating dinner, and she’ll be tired, but I guess it’s better to see her tired than not at all.

No matter what adversities we meet, Two Feather is always the problem solver. It’s just his way.

Peace is the best present I could receive right now and Two Feather has gifted me greatly.

Two Feather, thank you for that, and I thank the Creator for sending Two Feather down my path just prior to the time when I would need someone like this the most. I’m sure my Dad is smiling now. So, Two Feather…Wado. Gv Ge Yu I (This means, Thank you, I love you.)

I Hate This Disease!

Mom received more Christmas cards today. One from my brother, Bob and his wife, one from my daughter, Angel and her family, one from Ardis, and one from Gale our GLO member. Thank you, Gale, Mom thought it was nice of you to send a card to someone you don’t know. :) Mom knew Angel and Tim but couldn’t remember Katie’s name even though it was on the card, she wasn’t sure who the other cards were from, so I went through the conversation again.

I watched her go through all the cards again today and she opened the new ones. She doesn’t bother to read them; she just looks to see who they are from and puts them down. I asked her if she knew what the cards were for and she said, “no.” When I told her they were Christmas cards, she said, “oh.” She does not even understand what Christmas is at this point. I knew it was coming, but that doesn't make it any easier. That's why I wanted everyone to come for Christmas two years ago.

My thoughts and prayers go out to all who have lost their loved ones and are going through a difficult time during this holiday season. I’ve lit a candle for all of you and also for those who are still caring and especially Cinnamin and her family who are so close to the end. Hugs to you all. Please know that I’m thinking of you.

Have I said I hate Alzheimer’s? I’m sure I have, at least a thousand times.

I HATE THIS DISEASE!!!!!

Christmas Shopping, Christmas Cards and Who’s …?

Mom received several cards yesterday. She didn’t know who they were from.

The conversation went like this:

Look Mom, here’s a card from Bill.

Who’s Bill?

He was the best man at your wedding.

Why can’t I remember that?

Here’s one from Alma.

Who’s Alma?

Ardis’ sister.

Who’s Ardis?

Boot’s mom.

Who’s Boots?

Bob’s wife.

Who’s Bob?

Bob is my brother, your son.

It’s heartbreaking to know that she’s fading away day by day. Bob just called this weekend, too. But that didn’t ring a bell either.

Today she received two more cards.

Here’s a card from Larry.

He’s a cousin, isn’t he?

Yes, Mom. He’s your cousin.

Here’s one from Kary.

Who’s Kary?

Bob’s daughter.

Who’s Bob.

We went through all the cards and the same conversation all over again. By the time she asked, “Who’s so and so” for the fourth time, she literally laughed so hard she had tears in her eyes. After we went through the cards again, we were both laughing so hard she put the cards aside. Then she said, “It’s nice of these people to send cards whoever they are.”

I pulled out a box of Christmas cards and got ready to start addressing them to those who sent to her. She said, “I’m not sending cards to people I don’t know. What are these cards for anyway?”

I set the box of cards aside. My heart just wasn’t in it.

Two has been trying, but even with all the shopping and wrapping I still can’t seem to get into the Christmas spirit. Gee, I wonder why. It’s difficult trying to celebrate a holiday when Mom seems to have lost the concept of everything. Thanksgiving came and went and she had no clue what Thanksgiving was. I don’t think Christmas is going to be much different.

On another note: The 12 days of hell weren’t all bad. My daughter, Angel, visited both weekends and we enjoyed spending time with her, Katie and Tim. Katie is growing so fast and picking up so many new words. It’s always a joy to have them visit and Mom enjoys watching Katie play with the pillows on her couch and look through magazines.

On December 7th, Two and I celebrated our fifth year together by going out for breakfast, and we spent the day shopping. Two saved his money from his last four wood sales and managed to get all his Christmas shopping done for his six kids and seven grandchildren and his parents. We also bought presents for my daughter, Stacey, her husband, Dennis and her three kids, Trinity, Quenton, and Deandre, in Alabama. We wrapped everything and sent all the presents Monday. I still have to buy for Angel, Katie and Tim and Mom and Two. I probably wouldn’t have all Stacey’s family bought for already if it wasn’t that I had to mail everything.

Trinity surprised me with a phone call last week. She sounds so grown up on the phone. She wanted to know what size shirt Two wears so she could get him something for Christmas. I thought that was so sweet.

I’ve yet to visit Stacey and the kids in Alabama and I still haven’t seen their house. It’s not a trip I can take Mom along on. Two never gets to see his kids either, unless they come here. The trip to see them is too much for Mom as well. He sacrifices so much to support me in taking care of Mom. He’s yet to see two of his grandchildren.

Oh yes, in case you lost count, between the two of us, Two and I have eight kids and 10 grandchildren and one on the way. We’re getting old! LOL I just hope that he and I are not too old to make the trip to visit everyone when this journey is over.

One more thing: I did manage to get a few books read in the wee hours of the morning when Mom was up and down. So, I’ll be posting a few more book reviews as soon as I type them up from my handwritten versions.

And...Yay! The furnace is finally fixed.

Twelve Days of Hell…

And I thought it was supposed to be close to the Twelve Days of Christmas. HA!!

Sorry to have worried everyone by my lack of posts. Thank you all so much for your posts of concern here and emails sent. Really, Mom’s fine. I’m fine…just totally frustrated and exhausted, and I didn’t want to write and be accused of “whining” by cretins (not you Alz and AW pals), who think they know everything.

Where do I start? Oh yes, the furnace. The furnace is still on the fritz. We thought it was fixed, but it stopped working again, and again, and again. Poor Tom, the furnace man, has been out here going on a dozen times to get it working. I feel bad for him. It runs for a while, quits, and won’t fire back up. He changed one part and after installing it found out the new part had a factory defect as well. Got another one and the furnace worked another two days. Can’t be that new part! Found out there was sludge in the fuel and the nozzle was plugged now too. He treated the fuel oil. It ran for about four days after a treatment then quit again. We put straight kerosene into the tank to thin the sludge. It ran two days and quit. This morning, Tom replaced the fuel line from the tanks to the furnace because they were plugged. It ran five minutes and quit. Now, poor Tom is frustrated too. He’s getting another new different part right now, and we’ll see if that makes a difference. We’re both frustrated with this furnace, and of course the darn thing quits during the night when the weather is at the coldest temperatures. Ice cubes anyone?

In between the furnace issues, I called on November 23 (before any snow) to make an appointment for a local mobile tire company to come put new winter tires on the car on November 29. They didn’t show up or call because (of course we got snow on the 28th), they had a slew of emergency calls. A courtesy call would have been nice. I called them the next day and they rescheduled for Tuesday, December 4. Waited all day, no show, no call. Called around to get prices elsewhere and no one had the tire in stock. Called them back on the 5th (now we have a snowstorm), to find out when they would be out to install the tires and they told me to come into the shop and they would put them on. So, finally, by 3:30 December 5th I have winter tires on the vehicle and have 30 minutes to pick up Mom. :D

All the while in between all this, I’ve been dealing with these crazy night visits by some nasty old woman Mom keeps seeing. I guess she got tired of Mr. N., and we’re back to the old woman. Either way, I wish they’d both go visit someone else so I can get some sleep. I’ve been trying to catch a few hours sleep at home while Mom is at day care, but that’s not working out well because I’m not one who is able to sleep during the day no matter how tired I am. Have a call into her doctor to see if there’s anything he can recommend for her to take to get some sleep and get rid of these visitors. (I wouldn’t mind so much if they would do some housecleaning, errands, and work while they’re here. LOL Yes, that was my attempt of being humorous.)

Then, since it’s been doing nothing but raining in between the cold and snow, we have a muddy mess in the driveway. So we had to call in for gravel to keep from sinking in the mud. That seems to be packing in fairly well so in the next few days we’ll be calling for more to give the driveway a better base.

And then, we have to deal with those hunters Betsy mentioned. You would think that people who post their own land with no trespassing signs would not trespass on someone else’s property to shoot a deer. But…no, we have ignorant people who not only trespassed off their property onto ours, shot the deer, drug it on our property down a gully, across my neighbor’s front yard, down our driveway, and had their buddies pick them up at the bottom of our drive. Of course, I know who they are but I couldn’t do anything because they pulled all this while I was picking up Mom. When I got back I saw the truck pulling out of our driveway, I saw the bloody drag marks everywhere, but they were long gone before I could get the license number and make of the truck. I can’t stand ignorant people who think the law only applies to others or when it’s convenient for them.

On top of that, I have a friend who is going through a very rough time right now and she has me worried sick. I won’t go into detail about it, but please keep her in your thoughts.

So, I’m sitting here typing with finger-tip-less gloves, freezing my rear end off, waiting for the furnace to be fixed, worrying about my friend, hoping Mr. N., and the nasty old woman finds someone else to visit, wishing it were spring, and wondering if I’ll ever catch up on the sleep I’ve lost. Other than that, it’s the same old thing on a different day.

And…I haven’t decorated for Christmas. Merry Christmas everyone!

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad!

Today would have been my mom and dad’s 66th wedding anniversary. Two years ago, when I mentioned the date, Mom was surprised when I said they would have been married 64 years. Last year and this year the date went by without me mentioning it, and without her realizing it. Dates and phone numbers seem to stick in my head. We always celebrated their anniversary at Thanksgiving every year. There won’t be any celebration this year, but I can at least remember for her.



This picture is a wood burning of my mom and dad’s wedding picture. When my daughter, Stacey, was in the Army stationed in Korea, she had it made for Mom and sent it to her for Christmas. Ever since, it's hung over the mantle of the fireplace my dad built in Mom's living room.

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad!

Since Thanksgiving I’m finding myself reminiscing more than I’d like to. I treasured the holidays when family used to gather together and I miss those times terribly. It seems since Dad died this family fell apart. Without Dad around, this family hasn’t been any fun and since Mom has had Alzheimer’s there’s no ‘family’ at all. Not in the real sense of the word anyway.

Family used to talk to each other and invite each other to their homes. That hasn’t happened, at least for me, since my dad died. I guess when Dad died, in the eyes of my brothers and nieces and nephew, I died too. No one had to bother with me, unless my mom pitched a fit because I was left out. It got to the point that I told her not to bother because I felt if they 'had to be told' to invite me, they didn't want me around. They made that perfectly clear over the years. The only person who seemed to care what was going on in my life was my mother (other than my daughters, Angel and Stacey, and my Uncle Joe). That used to bother me, a lot. But things have changed. Now...I couldn't care less.

Two years ago, I tried to plan a special Christmas for Mom. I invited both my brothers and told them to pass the invitation to all their family members to come home for Christmas. No one came except my daughters, their families, and Two Feather. Not even a call to say they weren't coming. All I got from the rest of the ‘so-called family’ was excuses, a hard time, and ridicule. For all intents and purposes, that is the last Christmas Mom remembers. That is, if you want to call a lot of prodding and picture showing to bring that memory back, remembering.

Normally, I put up the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. It’s still neatly tucked away in the box in which it was packed in 2005 and is sitting in my mom’s basement. I’ll probably have Two Feather take my tree back to my house in the next week or so and have him toss it in the basement to be stored with all the other decorations I doubt I’ll bother with this year. I still haven’t pulled out Mom’s little tree that we used last year. Why bother. I used to love this time of year; now it’s just another day that will go by without Mom ‘really’ knowing what day it is.

Alzheimer’s is a cruel disease. It is taking Mom piece by piece and it is ripping me apart.

As much as I said I had so much to be thankful for at Thanksgiving, I’d just as soon pass on holidays from now on. I hate Alzheimer’s! I hate what it’s doing to my mom. And I hate what it’s doing to me.