A Long Time Coming—August, September, October Update

I’ve had these writings in draft for quite some time, so they are a long time coming. Sorry I didn’t post them sooner.

I’m having a really difficult time finding the words to catch up and I’ve been in sort of a funk lately. So, I’m going to jam the last few months in as quickly and shortly as possible. Yeah right! When were any of my posts quick and short? LOL I’ve at least kept in touch and let you all know I’m still around by commenting on your blogs. I really do keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers each day even though I may not be around much to mention it.

AUGUST
Here it goes. Stacey and her family left on August 1st to go back home to Alabama. Her birthday was the 3rd and I’m glad I called to wish her a Happy Birthday. That’s all I’ll say about that.

The first week of August, we struck a deal with a different logging company to use our log landing, as long as they cut in a driveway for our soon-to-be new neighbors who bought the property that connects to Mom’s.

That first week was also the week we decided to let Ricky’s cage door open and let him roam in and out. If he were to go back to the woods, then that’s what is supposed to be. We nursed him to health and he was strong enough to be on his own.

Each evening we’d sit by the fire pit outside and call for him. Within a few minutes he crawled out from the bushes and crawled up Two’s leg. He’d play with our dog and run back and forth on the swing between us, jump down and scurry off.

These were the last pictures of Ricky taken on August 7th.

He climbed up Two’s leg, hugged his little white friend, climbed on my shoulder and gave me a kiss, then climbed on top of the swing.

The next night he didn’t come when we called. Looking at the pictures now, I think he was saying goodbye to us.

At the end of that week, Stacey called and said she’d been to the hospital. She had a lump on her throat. It seemed to appear over night and was the size of a plum. They immediately suspected thyroid cancer and told her to see her regular doctor and have tests scheduled. It was another week before any tests were done. The next week was hell on everyone waiting for the results. They were inconclusive and the doctor recommended she see a specialist and have more thyroid tests done. Three weeks later and still no answer and the specialist couldn’t see her until January 09. Stacey said she would call the specialist every day until she got an appointment sooner. Finally they set an appointment for the first week of October.

It’s probably a good thing I gave in and took Mom to the ALF the last few days of July. I had to call them and ask if she could stay the whole month of August. I’d gone back to my doctor the last day of July because I felt much worse. He prescribed a stronger antibiotic, inhalers to puff on six times a day, and I was ordered to bed rest.

I spent most of the month of August in bed sick, in and out of sleep, or on the couch doing the same. Finally by the 25th, I was able to breath, without my chest feeling like a Mac truck was sitting on it, my doctor cleared me from bed rest and said I was lucky. When I asked if I could take a short two-hour trip on Labor Day weekend, he said I could as long as I didn’t overexert myself.

Thank you to all who called to check on me. That was so very thoughtful of you.

I had four more days before the weekend and I planned to stay rested so Two and I could go to the last Powwow we planned to attend this year. It was in Columbus, Ohio. We left Friday the 29th. He danced his heart out. I watched mostly; dancing only a few dances. We’d planned to come home Tuesday, September 2nd but I started feeling lousy and we came home on Sunday the 31st instead.

SEPTEMBER
Monday, September 1st I took my time cleaning up a bit around Mom’s and my house so everything was fresh and clean when I picked her up from the ALF on the 2nd. Monday when I swept the leaves off the porch, Mom’s cat was sick. He was coughing and lying in the sun on the gravel along the side of the driveway. I made an appointment with the vet. They weren’t able to see him until Friday.

I picked up Mom from the ALF on the 2nd. She was so very pleased to see me and happy that she was coming home. I took her dog to the groomer before I picked her up and we picked him up before I took her home. She was excited to see him, too.

Mom went back to day care on the 3rd and I picked her up early to take her for her doctor’s appointment. Her doctor told me I’m doing a wonderful job with Mom and was glad to see I’d taken a month off from care giving. I told him I didn’t have a choice—I had pneumonia. He suggested I take a week each month from now on and then asked if I was considering placing her. “You’ve done wonderful, Joanne, but it sounds like it’s time you take care of yourself.” I told him I’d let him know if I get to that point. He nodded and said, “Please take care of yourself as well as you do your Mom.” I said I would try.

On the 4th, we found Mom’s cat, Tig, dead alongside the driveway; his favorite spot for sunning himself. Two buried Tig before Mom came home from day care and she never noticed he wasn’t around.

September 7th Two’s Kawasaki Mule broke down. The front dry shaft broke. On the 10th, the Kawasaki shop picked it up for repair.

Finally, September 11th the doctor took a biopsy of Stacey’s lump. He said the results would take 7-14 days. Good grief! It took five weeks just to get a biopsy! Now waiting another two weeks before any results. So much for catching things and getting something done QUICK!

September 12th I took my dog to the vet. She started limping a few days before and her limp was worse. An x-ray showed a small fracture in her shoulder. While I was waiting for the vet to put a full leg splint on her, Tim, Angel’s husband called me. I knew immediately something was wrong. Angel was at the emergency room with chest pain. The next words I heard were “possible heart attack.” The vet came in and saw me crying. My sweet little dog was all wrapped up and ready to go and he handed her to me.

So, after writing a check for $200+, I took her home and dropped her off with Two and headed to the ER to see Angel. On the way to the hospital, nothing I’d been through the last few months mattered; my daughters were having health problems now. I pulled off the road, cried, and prayed, “I don’t know what you have in store for me, and I don’t care, please just let Angel and Stacey be okay.”

I sat with Angel at the ER for a little over an hour. The cardiologist came in and explained that her heart was fine. I don’t recall what the name of the problem was, but it had something to do with her chest wall muscles. I’m so happy her heart is okay. It was a real scare for us since her paternal grandfather died from a heart attack and her father has had several heart attacks and by-pass surgeries. Angel was released that afternoon.

On the way home I thanked the Creator for a good prognosis for Angel and prayed Stacey would hear good news as well...SOON. With all that had happened from July until now, I couldn’t help but allow the question to run through my mind, “What next?”

I got that answer on the 14th. Just seconds before the Steelers kick off at 8:00 PM, the power went out from the high winds we were having. Thank goodness Mom had already been sleeping for a few hours. She had no idea the power went out. For fear that I wouldn’t hear her, since the monitor wasn’t working, I went downstairs and tried to sleep on the couch. If you saw my Mom’s couch, you’d know why I didn’t sleep a wink that night. It’s a 70’s (maybe even a 60’s) couch. It’s hard and itchy, with a rough rug-looking print, and uncomfortable as sitting on a wood step with gravel on it. But it’s in perfect condition. LOL

On the 15th, I took Mom to day care. They did have power; one of the few scattered places in the area that did. I called the ALF and asked if they had a bed for Mom. They did and I told them I would bring her in after day care the next day if the power didn’t come back on. Mom faired fine Monday evening at home. I was on the couch again. Tuesday I took her to the ALF after day care and promised I would bring her home as soon as the power was on. I didn’t feel comfortable keeping her home since there was no water, light, and no way to cook. It’s one thing for me to walk around in the dark, snack on whatever might be available, and rough it for a few days, but Mom needed to be where she would be safe—physically and medically. The power came on at my house late Wednesday afternoon. When I went to Mom’s to check it, the power was still off. That didn’t make sense to me since my power lines came from the pole by her house. I called the power company, but with all the outages in the area, I received only a recording. Thursday, I finally got through and they said they’d have someone out by Saturday. I went to see Mom and told her she would most likely be there until Saturday. She was fine with that and went back to playing cards with the ladies.

On Saturday the power company came and said there was electric to the pole but there was still no power to the house. After they checked further, they found the line had been loose on the side of the house. Once they shored the line, we had power. I picked Mom up and brought her home. Good thing was that Mom was safe and our power was back on. Bad thing was we lost everything in all our freezers.

September 27th, Mom and I went to visit my Uncle Joe at the nursing home. It was his 83rd birthday. He loved his new shirts and pants we bought him. I served everyone on his floor a piece of the sheet cake I took in for his birthday.

The 28th was Two’s birthday. I baked him a cake. Trish, Gabe, Evan, Bob, Cecilia, and Landon came to visit him. Trish and Bob are two of Two’s six kids and Evan and Landon are two of his eleven grandchildren. It was good seeing all of them again.

OCTOBER
October started with about the same trend of the last few months. On the 1st, the riding mower broke down just as Two made the first pass of Mom’s yard. I called the mower service and they picked it up that afternoon. After they left, I sat and had a very long, hard cry, again. It seemed everything was falling apart; me, my daughters, the mule, the mower, the power—one thing after another. I wouldn’t let my mind entertain the question, “what’s next?” Instead, I said, “That’s enough. I give up. I’m tired and I just don’t care what’s next.”

I think the “I don’t care” attitude must have changed things a bit. On October 2nd, Stacey called and said the biopsy was negative and she would have to have it checked periodically to make sure it stays that way. I was so happy that she finally received results and it was good news. Both my daughters are going to be okay. On the 3rd, both the mule and the mower were fixed and delivered back home.

Angel, Tim, Katie, Two and I took Mom out to lunch on the 5th to celebrate her 85th birthday, which would be on the 6th.

The rest of October was pretty quiet. We went to see Uncle Joe a few more times and Mom dressed up as a cook for the Halloween party at day care.

All in all, October wasn’t too bad.

It's Been A Long Three Months -- Catching Up -- May

It’s been a long three months!!! A lot has happened since I last posted. I apologize for the worry I had caused all of you dear friends and faithful readers. Had I felt well enough to post before now, I would have.

Let me first thank all of you for your concern, e-mails, notes and phone calls. You are all amazing people and it does a heart good to know there are so many wonderful caring people out there. Thank you!!!!

I suppose I need to bring everyone up to date. I’ll do that with several smaller posts rather than ramble on for pages since it’s been so long since I updated.

Let me start by telling you what took place in the last few weeks of May after I posted last. Believe me, this alone will be long enough for now.

Two Feather did set up his Native American art at the Nationality Day Festival between May 16-18th. Our friends, Ed and Ellen Strano, of Strano Remodeling offered Two Feather half of their store front in town so Two Feather could set up inside.

I scheduled a stay at the ALF for Mom between May 15th and the 26th so Two and I could work together at the festival and go to the Memorial Day Weekend Powwow in Columbus, Ohio the following weekend.

The turn out for Nationality Days was great! The Beaver County Times featured Two Feather in the Saturday morning paper and even more people showed up to see his art after that.



He sold his Indian art and I sat outside the storefront and did Indian face painting on faces of children and adults. During the three days, I painted more than 150 faces and Two Feather did well selling his art and talking to visitors about Indian lore.

Angel, Tim, Katie and Tim’s parents came to the festival on Sunday so Two and I could give Katie her birthday present. Katie’s birthday was on Friday the 16th. She turned two! Since we were set up at the festival from morning until late evening, they all came to see us on Sunday.


Katie loved her birthday present and loved getting her face painted. Believe it or not, out of all the faces I painted during the weekend, Katie was the only one who sat completely still as I painted. I painted a butterfly on her face. Butterfly is the Indian name Two Feather gave her.



The Nationality Days weekend was wonderful!

Between May 19th and 22nd we packed the camper and got everything ready for our Memorial Day Weekend Powwow in Columbus, Ohio.
Just before we were ready to leave on Friday, my neighbor called and informed us that her brother had passed away. You’ve heard me speak of him before. He was the son of the 102-year-old neighbor who passed away in January. We’ll miss seeing Billy standing by the driveway waving to us as we drive by.

Two and I had a great time at the Memorial Day Powwow. Angel, Tim, and Katie came down to Columbus and camped by us and stayed the weekend.



All of them came into the dance circle and danced with us too.



Two Feather’s daughter’s Nikki and Tricia and her husband, Gabe and their son, Evan (Fast Deer), came down for a day. It was nice having three of our eight kids there with us.

That brings us to the end of May. I had full intentions of posting right after Memorial Day weekend, but I didn’t seem to find the time to get online. Then, June was loaded with things. Some good. Some not so good. Some fun. Some not so fun. Some bad. I’ll get to all that in my next post.

In the meantime, please know that I appreciate each and every one of you and I’ll try to do better at updating if I’m not posting as regularly as I used to. No matter what goes on from this point on, I’ll at least post and “I’m still around” comment or have someone do it for me. Love you all!!

Respite: Sort of Like Spring—A Breath of Fresh Air

Sorry to keep you all wondering and worrying. I'm back.

Spring has sprung. The daffodils are blooming and being forced to take a break from care giving was like a slap in the face but turned out to be a breath of the spring’s fresh air.

Mom’s doctor has been telling me for two years to take some respite time. “You’re doing a fine job of caring for your mom, but you need to take care of yourself,” he said. My answer was, “I take her to day care.” Being one of the better-known doctors in the Alzheimer’s and geriatric field in this area and knowing I’ve been living with and caring for Mom for more than three years he said, “That’s not enough. You NEED to take a few weeks every three or four months to recoup your strength and get some needed rest from sleep loss and stress.”

That is “the” one thing every caregiver tells another and we all nod our heads and continue to go on one day at a time, putting off our needs, burning the candle at both ends, and hoping for a better tomorrow.

I, like many of you, took/take much better care of our loved ones than we did/do ourselves. When energy levels became low, we pushed forward knowing that in another one or two hours we might be able to prop our feet up for an hour or so before the next need arises. Probably like many of you, I always take my showers when I hear Mom snoring the loudest. I know then she is in a deep sleep and I can rush through my shower and get dressed before she might awake or I’ll take clean clothes to my house and shower there while she is at day care. Never can I take a shower when she is awake for fear that she will get into something and get hurt or possibly fall. We all know that caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s is more difficult than caring for a child. An elderly person who has been independent their entire life is much more difficult to handle than a toddler—our loved ones are bigger, stronger, more demanding, and vocal than a toddler. Let’s face it, it’s easier to tell a toddler they shouldn’t do something that may hurt them than it is to tell an 84-year-old they shouldn’t do something they’ve done for longer than we’ve been alive. Switching roles of child to parent is no easy task. We sleep with one eye open for wandering shadows and ears tuned for sounds of breathing. There is no body replenishing sleep for a caregiver and all too often the adrenalin runs out, nutrition is poor, health problems arise and the caregiver dies before the person they are caring for.

When my tests results came back, I wasn’t surprised—at least with most of them. My rheumatoid arthritis is worse and my fibromyalgia is grandstanding the arthritis. No surprise there. Cholesterol levels that my doctor had been amazed were always fit for a twenty year old suddenly changed to worse than Mom’s. Blood pressure that was normally always on the safe low side is now what is considered normal for others, but high for me. My nutrition level is…well…almost nonexistent. I have a ganglion cyst on my wrist and my knee. The quarter of a stomach I was left with 35 years ago after surviving stomach cancer has turned into an ulcer, and I’m anemic. There was something wrong in one of my blood tests, don’t ask me which one because I don’t know, but as a result I’ve been to visit my dear old oncology doctor who took care of me 35 years ago. I was given only six months to live back then. He also treated me three years ago when I had a blood abnormality. That was a few months after I moved in with Mom and the abnormality ended up being a tumor the size of a grapefruit and me having surgery to have it removed along with my ovaries. I drove to the hospital and Mom and Two Feather sat in the waiting room until it was over. After recovery, we waited a few more hours until I wasn’t in a fog and I drove home to continue taking care of Mom.

The good old doc was as shocked to see me then, as I was to see him. He looked as old as dirt when I was 20—funny how he looks exactly the same all these years later. LOL All joking aside though, he’s still testing my blood and trying to figure out what the abnormality is this time.

Needless to say, after all the test results, my doctor told me I needed to take a break from caring. He told me to take a month. I took almost two weeks. Even though I’d talked with Mom about it and finally got her to understand I needed a break and she was okay with it, the day I took her to the assisted living facility she was livid with me. She refused to speak to me, hug me or say goodbye. I knew that was going to happen and I’m glad I’d prepared myself for it.

I admit I was exhausted. I knew that before I set up the respite care. I just didn’t realize how exhausted I was until I woke up some 36 hours after I sprawled across my own bed at my house.

I kept telling myself before I took Mom that I could sleep without having to listen to the monitor, sleep without having to get up every few hours, sleep without having to get up early to take her to day care, sleep without having to watch the clock to make sure I picked her up on time—I could sleep without having to worry about Mom because I knew she was in good hands. My little talk with myself worked like a charm and I woke up feeling refreshed for the first time in three years.

All week I enjoyed the comforts of my own home and enjoyed the company of Two Feather. We’d wondered how different we would act being in the same house 24/7 again after three years of being separated. To be honest, we were concerned that we might not know each other anymore. It was a great relief to know that though we knew it was only for a short time we’d be together we fell right back into the pattern we used to have. It felt odd to go shopping at Wal-Mart after dark. Heck, it felt strange to be anywhere after 5:00 in the evening.

We didn’t do anything special or go on a vacation of any kind because I was too exhausted to drive any long distance. The time we spent together and the relaxation I enjoyed sitting on my couch watching the evening news together and sitting on our deck talking over morning coffee was worth its weight in gold.

We enjoyed a few hours at a Maple Syrup Festival at a local park with my daughter Angel, Tim, and Katie and we went out to dinner with them on another night. It felt strange, but wonderful, to have that freedom to just walk out the door spontaneously and do something—anything different.

I was told not to visit Mom while she was there because it would confuse her, she’d cry and beg me to come home, and it would defeat the purpose of the respite care. I did call to make sure she was doing okay and I talked to her mid-week to let her know I hadn’t abandoned her.

I called my brother to let him know I had placed Mom in an ALF so I could get some respite time. That turned out to be an argument with him thinking I should have consulted him first. When I asked why I should consult him he said, “maybe we could have worked something out. I could bring her up for dinner or take her for a weekend.”

I told him that a few hours for dinner wasn’t going to help me at this point, and neither would a weekend. Then he said he was shocked and I asked why. “Because you said you were never going to put her in a place ‘like that’,” he said. I told him the place was very nice and he shouldn’t be shocked that I’m finally taking a break after three years. He reminded me that all I had to do was ask and he’d try to work something out, so I asked him to take her for a weekend in May, from Thursday evening to Monday morning, because Two Feather was asked to set up his Native American art stand at the popular Nationality Days in our area. He said he’d let me know after he checked with his wife.

Angel visited Mom several times and reassured her I’d be there to pick her up last Sunday. My brother visited her several times as well.

Saturday was a beautiful day but a sad one as well. It was the last full day and night Two Feather and I would spend together and we both had a difficult time holding back our emotions. We agreed that the respite time was good for me and I did get somewhat refreshed and it was good for us to spend quality time together without having to stop what we were doing to take care of Mom. We also agreed that I needed to listen to Mom’s and my doctor and continue to take periodic respite in order to reenergize myself and get a small part of our life back.

After a week, I called my brother to ask if he had talked to his wife about the weekend I’d asked for and he said he could do it Thursday through Saturday, but not Sunday and he asked if he could take Mom to day care on Thursday and Friday. I told him that he was only going to have her Thursday after day care and he could take her to day care if he used his wife’s car, but since he couldn’t do it through Monday morning to forget it. Then he argued with me about the dates of the festival and repeated that he couldn’t do it Sunday. Geesh!!! That turned into another problem. Two Feather said to tell my brother to cancel his plans on Sunday. After all, Two has cancelled his life for the past three years. Well, needless to say that didn’t go over well with my brother and we ended up in another tiff. He said he didn’t ask Two to do anything and I’m the one who chose to take care of Mom. I said, “You’re right. Two does everything Mom’s sons should be doing at Mom’s and he helps me because that’s the kind of man he is, and I chose to take the responsibility of taking caring of Mom so I’d take the responsibility for that weekend too. I told him to forget about the weekend. Then he said he had to talk to a few other people and see if he could do it Sunday and he’d call me Monday or Tuesday. At that point, I said, “I don’t know what your plans are and I don’t care, but if you can’t make a decision about helping with Mom without asking someone else, just forget it!”

Granted my emotions were running high because it was the last day I would spend at home, but I either have a commitment for help or I don’t. I’m not going to change what plans I’d like to make to fit everyone else’s schedule.

When I picked Mom up on Sunday she was happy to see me. She had the biggest smile on her face and held her arms out to give me a hug. She helped me fold and pack her clothes and within 30 minutes we were heading out the door back to her house.

Once we were home, she didn’t recognize her house at all and asked how long she would be staying here. Not that she really knows the house is hers anymore anyway, it was just sad that she asked how long she’d be there. She told me all about the nice ladies she met and what a great time she had. One day they went to the local mall for Senior Day and another day they went to the local high school to see the play Annie. She fit right in once she was there for a few days.

Monday, my brother called me and told me he worked it out so he could keep Mom on Sunday, too. I hate to say it, but that led to the biggest argument we’ve had. We were on the phone for nearly and hour and half dredging up past garbage—me explaining why I feel the way I do about a lot of things and telling him things about my life that he never knew, and him not remembering 80% of the occurrences I spoke of, and not agreeing with the other 20% of what I was talking about. The stress caused by that conversation left me feeling like I needed another week’s respite just to get over it.

Tuesday morning, I called him and called a truce. I told him I wasn’t in the best of health right now and the last thing I need is stress from arguing with him on top of the caregiver stress. The discussion/arguments we’ve had were worth it. I was honest and open about everything whether he believed me or agreed with me or not. We’ve finally agreed that we have nothing in common, except Mom and we don’t get along. All I asked from him was to speak to me decently and quit using a sarcastic and combative attitude toward me about everything. When it comes to me, I know my brother always thinks the worst. I’ll never know why, but it’s nice to know that he was pleasantly surprised that his sister has a better head on her shoulders than he thought. He actually complimented me on the ALF I picked for Mom.

All in all, the respite was wonderful and it may have actually been the straw that broke the camels back with these petty fights he and I have been having. At least I hope so.

As for those who are still in the midst of care giving, please don’t be as stubborn and procrastinating as I was about making arrangements for your loved one to stay in an ALF for a week or two to obtain some respite care for yourself. You’re the only one who can take care of yourself. Respite is like a breath of fresh air! Please don’t just nod your head when someone says to take care of yourself and wait until your health begins to fail before you take that break. If you die before your loved one, who will step into your shoes?

Spring! Snow? Happy Easter!

Hello, my friends. Didn’t mean to worry everyone. Just been very busy taking care of a few things around both houses. The last three Fridays we had fish dinners from our local fire hall. Two Feather sat with Mom while I went and picked up the dinners the first two Fridays and on Good Friday Angel and Tim bought dinners for all of us and brought them to the house to eat dinner with us. Good Friday marked the tenth anniversary of my dad's death.

My doctor has put me through a battery of tests and I’m still waiting on the results from those. He’s not happy with my weight loss and it’s time for my annual tests anyway. We’ll see what comes from that. I’m not really worried. Whatever comes, comes. I’ll handle it.

I’ve been up to the nursing home to visit my Uncle Joe twice since I posted last. He had the flu but seems to be doing better now. His dementia is progressing and his lack of concentration was very evident this past week.

Mom’s appetite is getting better and she’s abandoned using her walker. She’s getting around pretty good and her legs seem to be getting stronger as long as the walking distance isn’t more than ten feet. The time change confused her for nearly a week and she’s back to getting up and down during the night. Seems lately her Alzheimer’s is taking a few steps back instead of progressing. That’s a good thing, it’s just you never know from one moment or day to the next which way it’s going. Memories are coming from nowhere at times and conversations are forgotten within minutes or seconds. I hate this disease and its back and forth, ups and downs and plateauing.

Happy Spring and Happy Easter to all who celebrate. Though I’m not sure spring has sprung with 20 degree temperatures here and another inch of snow. :( The sun has melted all the snow finally.

I’ve missed reading what’s going on with everyone. I’ll try to get caught up on my blog reading this week. Hope all are well. Have a great week everyone!

New Medication Working Good So Far

I kept Mom home from day care on Wednesday again because the driveway was solid ice after the storm. Had the driveway plowed and salted and by afternoon the sun had melted some of the ice.

By Thursday, we were on the road again and Mom went back to day care. When I picked Mom up I was told there was an incident at day care. Evidently, Mom was sitting with Mr. N. and one of the workers walked up to her and said, “You don’t belong here. You need to move to another table.” I was told she grabbed Mom by the shoulders and nudged her toward the other side of the room. Mom complained to the supervisor about the woman’s action and supposedly the worker was reprimanded and made to apologize to my mom. I was glad they told me about it, but I wasn’t happy with what happened. I felt more than a bit let down because I know the woman and I never expected her to act or treat Mom in this fashion. It must have bothered Mom because she remembered it and told me about it on the way home. She said she was glad the lady apologized and she was going to forget it for now. But if it ever happened again, she wasn’t going back. I picked up Mom’s new medication, Seroquel, on the way home and she took it for the first time Thursday evening. It's a low dose before bed. The doctor prescribed 25mg tablets and Mom's only suppose to take a half tablet at bedtime. She slept sound. YAY!! So did I. DOUBLE YAY!! I can’t remember the last time I had two good night’s sleep in a row, but it felt wonderful! That was a Valentine’s gift all in itself. :)

Two and I went grocery shopping on Thursday and spent the rest of the afternoon watching Saw IV. All four of these movies were good. Of course, I’m a horror and thriller fan, so naturally I’m going to say I loved them. That was our Valentine’s Day together. Watching a horror flick.

Today, when I took Mom to day care, the lady who was gruff with her on Thursday pulled up in front of the day care at the same time. She was very pleasant and held the door for Mom to walk in. She said “good morning” to Mom and Mom answered as if nothing had happened. I did say good morning and talked with her, but I didn’t bother mentioning the incident. I figured the supervisor reprimanded her and I didn’t need to make a big deal about it. I’m sure she knows me well enough that if anything like that happens again that I won’t be as courteous the next time. She probably felt lucky that I didn’t say anything this time. I can be very nasty when it comes to protecting my mom.

Today was a do nothing day. Even though I slept well the past two nights, I still feel run down so Two and I just talked all day. Mom had a good day at club and I was happy there were no reports of any kind.

Mom was extremely tired while she ate dinner. She didn’t eat much again tonight. Her appetite has diminished so much. All she wanted to do was finish eating and go to bed. By 5:30 she was snoring.

Angel, (not my daughter) an old friend called my house and Two called to tell me she called. Angel and I used to pal around together in the 80s. We kept in touch for a long time and drifted apart due to life changes. I ran into her at a local store just before I moved in with Mom. She knew Mom had Alzheimer’s but we hadn’t seen each other or talked since so she didn’t know I’d moved in with Mom three years ago. It was really good talking to her after all this time. We were best buddies back then and it didn’t take but a few minutes on the phone to realize how much we’d missed talking to each other. Anyway, if you read this, Angel, thanks for calling. It was wonderful talking to you again.

I’m signing off for now. This new medication is really working wonders so I’m going to take advantage of the fact that Mom is resting peacefully. See you all soon. Joanne does a happy dance as she signs off for the night. :D

A Whole Bunch of Rambling

I haven’t blogged much lately because…quite frankly—I’m exhausted! After reading Robyn’s post about her mom getting up several times a night, I figured I’d finally talk about what I’ve been going through.

You all know about Mr. N. and how he and Mom have become such “great” friends. Well, this friendship and talking has turned to him holding her hand and kissing her on the cheek. The day care workers thought it was all cute and innocent and nothing indecent. Maybe not indecent, but still, he is a married man, Mom is vulnerable, and I told them I thought they should deter these kinds of actions because I didn’t want my mom to get hurt. I wasn’t only worried about Mom getting her feelings hurt when Mr. N. may put his attention elsewhere, but also I was worried that Mrs. N. may walk in and see this and maybe not be so understanding. I still don’t know if she knows about it.

It’s nice that Mom is enjoying the day care socially, but I spoke with the day care workers several times months ago asking them to discourage the hand holding and kissing. They all told me how Mom and Mr. N. would make plans to go out and how they thought it was so cute. Deep down I knew it was a catastrophe waiting to happen. I know my mom.

Now, another lady is paying attention to Mr. N. and Mom is not happy! For the past two months, Mom has been getting up nearly a dozen times a night talking to Mr. N. in her sleep, getting out of bed, thinking he’s in the living room, thinking this lady is here stealing him. Good grief. I’ve told the day care workers that he is on her mind constantly when she is at home and reminded them once again that they should have discouraged this type of affection between them.

The beginning of last week Mom became aggressive at day care toward the lady who is showing Mr. N. affection. Mom told her to move (in not so nice words) and when the lady argued with her, Mom told her to shut up! At the end of last week Mom became angry again when she saw this woman sitting by him. She clenched her fists and said she was going to go over there and punch the woman (also not in such nice language). The day care workers told me how she’s reacting and said something needs to be done. I said, “I’ve been telling you that for months. Oh, it wasn’t a problem until the snake came out and bit you in the face. I’ve been dealing with her up all night for a few months because of this situation. You are the one’s who thought it was so cute, so you deal with it here without being mean to my mother.”

I suggested that when Mr. N. reaches for Mom’s hand or kisses her on the cheek he be reminded that he is married, and suggested that Mom be reminded that he is married and these type things shouldn’t go on. If Mom didn't have Alzheimer's she wouldn't allow such a thing. She would be horrified if she were in her right mind and knew she was allowing a married man to show her affection. Dancing and talking is one thing, but she wouldn’t allow this. For crying out loud, my dad’s best friend who had been a widower for more than 20 years asked her out and kissed her on the cheek six years after Dad died and she told him off. Poor guy. That relationship would have been nice, but she didn’t want anything to do with it because he had been my dad’s best friend.

So…here I am, up nearly a dozen times every night with her cussing and yelling at Mr. N. and this woman because he’s cavorting with someone else. He’s still mainly interested in Mom but since the day care workers have been trying to change the situation (a little too late) Mom is becoming more and more angry.

Her anger wouldn’t change now even if they let them sit together because Mom would still carry on about the “other” woman. When something really matters to Mom, she doesn’t forget it. I told the day care workers they have to deal with it since they let it go on so long.

Angel came over on Saturday to sit with Mom from 1-4:00 so Two and I could visit a friend of his in Ohio. Nearly two hours driving and an hour visit. We were home by 3:30. It was good for Two to get out and see someone he hasn’t seen since November. The driving wasn’t much fun, but it was good for me to get out into different surroundings for a few hours. I realized how much my social skills are deteriorating. I barely talked and when I did, I stumbled over everything I said. Good grief, I need to get out and talk to people before I lose the ability to speak other than repeating myself all day long.

Sunday we had atrocious winds. The lady from church came and gave Mom communion at 1:00. When she came in the house, she said a tree had fallen over Mom’s driveway and was leaning on the power lines. The lines had been ripped off my neighbor’s house. My brother came at 1:15 and said the same thing. He parked his truck and walked up the drive because he didn’t think he could get under it with his truck. He told me I should call the power company. I said, “Of course, just one more thing for me to do because no one else does anything.” He was going into the hall to pick up the phone (which hasn’t been there for three years) and call the power company and said, “What’s the address here?” “You don’t even know your own mother’s addresss?” I asked. “Nevermind, I’ll call the power company.” He stayed until 3:15. I made Mom dinner and we chatted until 4:30. She was tired and wanted to go to bed. It was probably a good thing that she went to bed a tad earlier because the power went out at 5:00 and didn’t come back on until 7:00. Thank goodness the power came back on in such a short time. I was bored stiff for the two hours it was off trying to read a book with a flashlight. LOL Mom was up ten times during the night. This time she was whispering and telling Mr. N. she hopes he’s happy and then yelling at someone to get the hell away from her. I have no idea who she was talking to then.

Monday morning I had Mom in the car and down the driveway and had to back up all the way to the house. The power company cut the end of the tree off the power lines, tightened the lines, and called me at 1:00 in the morning to find out if our power was back on, but they left the tree on the driveway. I didn't know about the tree until I tried to leave in the morning. I called Two Feather to come down and cut up and move the tree so I could take Mom to day care. I called my brother too, figuring he should do something for a change and help Two, but he didn’t answer his phone. I didn’t bother leaving a message on his answering machine. He was home.

Mom’s medication needs changed because she’s getting the itching side effects from trazadone. The doctor took her off respiradol several months ago and I asked him if he would put her back on it but instead he said to try the trazadone. Mom's moods are worse and she's getting up at night more and more. Now, he’s going to order seroquel. They were suppose to call it in on Monday but the pharmacy said they didn’t. The office was closed by the time the pharmacy called to see what the doctor was going to order. The doctor’s office was closed today probably due to the snow, so I’ll have to call them tomorrow and find out when they will call it in.

I kept Mom home from day care today because it snowed overnight and she (and I) were up all night with her dreams, hallucinations, cussing, and wandering. She was a gem all day. She sat and colored while I went through stacks of receipts and got everything together for her taxes. Next, is getting my Uncle Joe’s paperwork ready and then I can finally get the taxes done. That will be a burden off my mind.

We got about six inches of snow today. Then it turned to freezing rain. I’m not sure what it’s doing out there now, but I can say that I’m truly looking forward to summer. Yes, I said summer. The heck with spring. Let’s just move onto the 70 and 80 degree days. I need a vacation!

Daughter Without a Name, Ice Storms, & Wishing for Spring

Last weekend was a bit crazy and the week that followed wasn’t much better. I posted book reviews instead of talking about the goings on here at Mom’s. Last Sunday when the lady from church was here, she and Mom were talking about family. Mom told her that she had a sister and two brothers and her two brothers were still alive and work together. Alrighty then. Truth is, Mom had one brother and he’s been deceased for more than thirty years. Sunday, I also realized that Mom does know that I’m her daughter, but she had forgotten my name. Every day when I pick her up at day care and she sees me, she says, “There’s my daughter.” Sunday, after the lady from church left, Mom and I were talking. I figured I’d do the little memory quiz that I used to do once every couple weeks. I haven’t quizzed Mom for about two months. At least once a month I would joke with her and ask if she knows who I am and she always said, "You're my daughter." Never thought to ask her if she knew my name. I asked her birthday, address, phone number, all of which she didn’t know the answer. She did remember she was born in October, just not the day and year. I asked her how many kids she has. She did say three. That’s correct.

“What are they?” I asked.
“I think I have three boys,” she said.
I giggled and said, “If you have three boys, who am I?”
“You’re my daughter,” she said.
“Okay. So you can’t have three boys if you have a daughter, Mom.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“What are your kid’s names?”
“I think they are Bob and Ray.”
“What’s my name, Mom?”
She looked at me with such shockingly sad eyes and said, “I don’t know. What is your name?”
“Joanne. My name is Joanne, Mom.”

I knew one day Mom wouldn’t know who I am and I prepared myself for it. I guess it just shocked me that she knows I’m her daughter, but has forgotten my name. I tried to think back to when and how long it’s been since she’s called out to me by name, and I pinpointed it to mid-October when Mom was up and down half the night looking for Mr. N. She would call out to me by name back then, yelling up the steps, “Joanne, are you up there?” She hasn’t called me by name since. Mostly, I’m “her daughter” when she talks about me, and when she talks to me, I’m “honey” or I’m not addressed at all before asking something or looking for me. Wow! It very well could be that she hasn’t known my name for more than three months. We've gone through a few moments at times when she wasn't sure who I am. I've already mentioned those times. Strange, but I think I accepted the fact that she would someday not know me at all more than I accepted her not remembering my name. The two just seem to go together, but I never imagined she’d remember who I am and forget my name. Then again, she can’t understand how my daughter is her granddaughter, so I don’t think I want to ask if she understands what a daughter is. LOL

After realizing Mom didn’t know my name, the whole darn following week just kept getting worse. It was all sort of depressing, actually. I did log in long enough to post a “Happy Birthday” to my dad. That was part of the depressing week. The other part was that I felt lousy. I’m not running a fever and I don’t have a cold. I just felt tired and worn out. My muscles ached more than usual and my legs and knees are killing me. Mom may have Alzheimer’s, but she can certainly pick up on my emotions no matter how hard I try to hide them. She knew I wasn’t feeling well and she kept asking me if there was anything she could do for me. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that if she would sleep all night long it would make a world of difference in my longevity.

By the end of the week, I still wasn’t feeling any better. Thursday I just curled up on the couch and slept after taking Mom to day care. Two and I watched a movie and I trudged through the day as if I were a zombie. The weather report showed an ice storm coming through and we were supposed to get hit after midnight. Two and I prepared for not having the day together on Friday.

Friday morning I got up at the usual time. I went downstairs, let Mom’s dog out and he slid off the porch and onto the sidewalk. The porch and sidewalk were solid ice. I got the salt out and sprinkled it over the porch and sidewalk and tested the gravel drive with my foot. It was like an ice rink. These pictures don't show the ice as well as I would have liked. The bushes, power lines, absolutely everything was iced over. Nothing like you guys had in the northwest and central part of the states last month, but still scary on this hill just the same.




I called the day care and they said they were open but I had to tell them that Mom wouldn’t be coming in because we couldn’t get off our hill.

I’ll drive in a foot of snow on Mom’s driveway, but there is no way I’ll drive on ice. You’ve seen pictures of my Mom’s driveway. It’s steep and winding. It’s a beautiful site when the leaves are changing colors and the sun is shining through the clouds, but there’s no way to stop on ice, unless of course you want to slide over the 50+-foot embankment and crash to the bottom. Nope. Not me. When it’s ice, I stay home—and so does Mom.

The ice didn’t thaw from the porch, the sidewalk, the drive, the power lines, and the trees until 4:00 Friday afternoon. Then everything that thawed on Friday froze overnight and left an icy mess this morning, too. I think we may get out of here on Monday morning as long as it doesn’t rain and freeze again.

Am I wishing for spring? You’re darn right I am!

Back to reading and writing my book reviews.

Oatmeal and Dogs Don’t Mix

Or at least they shouldn’t!

I’ve had my hands full this past week going through files getting everything ready to prepare taxes. I should have known better than to try to do anything remotely time consuming while Mom was still up and awake. It just goes to prove that even though you “think” you know all there is to know about the sounds of the house, walker, Mom, and the dog, there is always a sound you don’t hear or one you haven’t heard before.

I was upstairs sitting on the floor in the midst of a pile of paperwork when I heard Mom’s walker rolling along the carpet. No problem. She was heading to the kitchen most likely to get a drink of water. Correct. I heard the water running. Then, I heard her say, “I’ll let you out in a minute.” Heard the door open next and her cussing because she was having a hard time getting the dog hooked to the chain on the porch. Less than a minute later, the dog’s tags on his collar are tingling, the door closes, and he starts barking, so I know he’s back inside. The reason I know this is because her dog only barks when someone comes in the door and he barks at the door after it’s closed. Strange, I know, but he’s done this for as long as I can remember.

Next I heard this strange sound I hadn’t heard through the monitor before. I had no idea what it was so I figured I’d better go check out what was going on.

Mom was in the dining room and headed for the living room by the time I got up off the floor and made it down the steps. I asked her if she needed anything and she said no and was very proud of herself for letting the dog out to do its business.

Two Feather was on his way down to get the mail, so I headed for the bathroom before he had a chance to come back up the hill.

You’re going to love this one.

When I went into the kitchen to let Two Feather in, I noticed a powdery substance in the dog’s dish. I looked closer and realized it was oatmeal. I turned around and saw an empty package of instant oatmeal on the kitchen counter. Once again I was brought to tears from laughing. I realized the sound I’d heard earlier was Mom laying the dog’s dish on the counter and back onto the floor. She hasn’t fed her dog for the past three years so naturally it wasn’t a sound I’d heard in a long while. With Alzheimer’s we can never be certain what is on our loved one’s mind. I’m not sure if she was thinking she was feeding him or giving him a “good boy” treat for going potty, but either way, he got oatmeal. ROFL

Guess I don’t need to tell you what else I hand my hands full with for the next two days. :)

Hint: Don’t give dogs oatmeal for dinner or a treat. It cleans them out as well as it does we humans. LOL

Anyway, in between getting paperwork sorted, and cleaning up dog doo-doo, I’ve been working on getting my “to be read” pile of books down to a more reasonable level. I’ve become so far behind. I send my apologies to the authors. I may be a bit behind, but I am reading in the order received and will complete them and give each book the attention it deserves.

So, anyone who’s not interested in books, you may want to skip the next few posts. Yes, I’m at it again—book reviews!

Turkey Heads Back To The Woods

On Wednesday morning when I was ready to take Mom to day care I noticed a turkey hobbling through the snow in the front yard. I watched it flap its wings and move a few inches through the snow and fall. I’d watched this very same turkey all spring and summer scratch for food in the yard. The reason I know it was the same turkey is because it couldn’t fly. It had no tail feathers. It was using its wings to make its way into the woods for shelter from the cold. I got out of the car and watched it hobble and wing itself down the hill behind Mom’s house and settle beneath a tree and fallen branches. I knew if the turkey weren’t able to walk and scratch for food, it would die.

When I got to my house that morning, I told Two Feather about it and we rode down to Mom’s to see if the turkey was still there. We walked down the slope just behind the house and there she was, huddled beneath a pile of brush. She was still alive.

Two and I walked up to it and when we got within just a few feet of her, she pushed herself off the ground and hobbled down the hill using her wings for balance. She was a fast ball of feathers, but not fast enough for Two. He ran down the hill and grabbed her before she crawled beneath another pile of brush. He carried her up the hill and we took her home.

She had a broken leg. Two put a pop cycle stick splint on her leg and taped it so she could heal. All day Wednesday and Thursday, he fed her birdseed and was able to get her to drink water. He kept her safe and warm in the shed out behind our house. Thursday she was a bit spunky and got up on her foot and ran around the shed. This morning when he went out to the shed to feed her, she was standing by the door waiting for him.

This afternoon we rode back down Mom’s with her in his lap. He held her for a moment, stroked her head and set her free back into the woods.

The splint he made seemed to be holding up very well. I wasn’t able to get another shot of her as she ran down the hill behind Mom’s house. I hope she makes it through the winter. We’ll know next spring if we see that funny looking turkey without a tail.

New Year's Eve

The last day of 2007, New Year’s Eve, was a quiet one. I took Mom to day care for their New Year’s Eve party and Two and I went to Wal-Mart to buy a few movies to add to our collection. Stacey called to wish me a Happy New Year because she was having company for New Year’s Eve and she knew I was, too.

I picked up Mom at the usual time, brought her home, made dinner, and got her ready for bed. I learned a long time ago that it’s always easier to get her ready for bed before dinner because she’s always exhausted and less lucid by the time she finishes eating.

Mom received a piece of mail and I had her open it before dinner. When she looked at the envelope, she asked, “Who’s Sheila?” I said, “Ray’s wife.” “Oh,” she said. “Why’s she sending me something?” Mom asked. “I don’t know, Mom. Open it and see what it is,” I said. Mom opened it to find a picture with a post-it note on it. She couldn’t read it and asked me to read it to her. So I did. When she looked at the picture she asked, “Who are these people?” I told her the people in the picture were her grandson, his wife and their two daughters. Mom was seated in the middle of them. She recognized herself. “When was this taken?” Mom asked. “That was taken at Ray’s house when you went up there on Christmas,” I said. “I went there for Christmas?” Mom asked. “Yes, Mom. You went there for Christmas." “I don’t remember,” she said, as she put the picture on the table. She glanced at the picture several times while eating and I could tell by the wrinkles in her forehead that she was still trying to figure out when she’d been there and trying to figure out how the people in the picture were related to her. I tried to explain that Ray’s son is her grandson and Toby’s kids were her great grandchildren, but she didn’t comprehend the relationship at all. She just said, “If you say so.” She’s not able to comprehend how this all relates to her anymore. It is so, so sad. Even sadder is that she didn’t realize Christmas was here and gone.

During dinner I could tell she’d had a busy day. The lines on her face were more prominent and her eyelids were drooping. She was exhausted and as usual wanted to go to bed shortly after dinner. She was snoring her loud nasal snore within 15 minutes of being in bed.

Two came down to spend New Year’s Eve with me and spend the night. It was one of five times he’s stayed in the three years I’ve lived with Mom. Three were on New Year’s Eves and two were because Mom asked him to stay because she was afraid and wanted a man in the house.

We watched one of the movies we bought earlier in the day. Yeah, I know, on New Year’s Eve, it’s sort of odd to watch Halloween, but it was something to watch and we enjoyed it. Angel called to wish me Happy New Year and said she and Tim were staying home for the evening and watching Shrek 2.

Two and I snacked on a meat and cheese tray his dad brought us on Chritmas. It was delicious. The movie ended at 11:00 and I turned on the news to watch it and then planned to watch the ball drop at midnight. Two fell asleep during the news and I watched the countdown for the New Year. He woke up long enough to look at the TV, wish me Happy New Year, kiss me, and went back to sleep. LOL All in all, New Year’s Eve was a nice day and evening.

2008--I Wish For Strength

One of my caregiver friends, Lori, is hoping for a better year. She hopes 2008 will be “her” year; A year of renewed life without pain, fear, tears, and hope of better things in her life. I wish that for her, too.

A writer friend of mine, Keith, asked what everyone had planned for New Year’s Eve. Keith said he stays at home, alone, and reflects on the past year and his life. He listed numerous questions that he asks himself each year to complete his day of reflection and those questions—extremely well thought out and excellent for reflecting on one’s life—really struck a chord with me. Not a bad chord in the respect that there was anything wrong with the questions, but in the respect that I felt worthless, hopeless, and lost when I reflected on those questions and answered them honestly.

Some of his questions were:
“What have I done with the year? Which goals did I accomplish and which ones didn’t I and why not? What am I willing to change about myself to accomplish those things? Am I living the life I want to live? Am I enjoying what I’m doing or did I just fall into it or am I living deliberately and on purpose or am I just taking everything as it happens and coping with it all? What’s been holding me back and how can I change it? What more could I do? Have other people’s needs and urgencies enveloped me to the point that mine, and my families, come second?”

These were just a few of some fifty questions he asks himself. The remaining questions were even more thought provoking, more deeply centered, and more heart wrenching to answer.

I haven’t done anything this past year for myself and I’ve given up any goals I’ve wanted to accomplish. I’m not living for me. I’m living for my mom, and her needs and urgencies have enveloped me to the point that mine, and my families have come second.

My life, this past year and the two before that, has been centered on Mom. That’s not saying that I would change it or want to change it; it’s just saying that I have concentrated so deeply on keeping her healthy and comfortable that my life has become unhealthy and uncomfortable. There is no life besides what I do with and for Mom. My life, as I knew it, has become nonexistent.

A feeling of worthlessness struck me head-on when I realized that even though Mom is doing fine, I’ve failed. I’ve failed Two Feather, my daughters, and my grandchildren. I’ve even failed myself. I’ve not been there for them during times they needed me most. I’ve not done things I would normally do and I’ve not lived life the way I would normally live. I’ve failed everything and everyone, except Mom.

My life is and has been hanging in the darkness of a disease called Alzheimer’s and, with each day, I hang on deliberately, yet I take everything as it happens and cope with it all. I cope with the explicit purpose that Mom lives on—only to die a horrible death. I feel worthless because nothing I’m doing will change the outcome.

As I reflect on this past year, there are probably many things I could have changed that would have given me and my family more time, more joys, and more life to live with each other, but had I changed what I’d done, I would have felt selfish. Nothing in this care giving role has ever been about me and never have I done anything for myself. I suppose I could change things in the upcoming year and think of my health, my family, and myself. I suppose I could take a long look at what I’ve done and what I haven’t done and try to decide whether or not it was all worth it. I suppose I could take my life back. But would that be me?

Someday, I’ll sit with Keith’s list of questions and answer them with myself in mind and maybe I’ll find answers that make me realize I’ve done something good. Someday, I’ll make plans and set goals for myself, once again, and no doubt accomplish them. Someday, I’ll live the life I’ve dreamed of, and do the things I’ve thought of doing. Someday. Someday when Mom’s life is complete. The last three years weren’t the years to do that. And 2008 probably won’t be either.

I can’t say that I wish myself a better year next year. There is no better with Alzheimer’s. Death may be better than the pain and suffering that will ensue. But I’ll not wish for death. I know when Alzheimer’s takes Mom I’ll still feel worthless and hopelessly lost.

Have I lived my dreams or done what I’d really like to do? No, not really. I was just starting to do that before I moved in with Mom. I’ve put Mom in front of everything and everyone, including myself. Yes, I’d like to be sleeping in my own bed, living in my own house with Two Feather, spending time with my daughters and grandchildren anytime I feel like it, and submitting and writing my novels. Hell, I’d just like to be writing again. Other than this stupid blog, I don’t even write anymore. I’d like to be getting on with my life, living my life, and accomplishing all the goals I set for myself back in 2004, but my life is on hold. I’m feeling worthless and lost—waiting for a hopeless and dreadful end—giving Mom love and the comfort of her home in her remaining time on this earth.

As I sit looking at Keith’s list of questions, I feel a mixture of emotions take over and I wonder when my someday comes if I’ll still feel as worthless and hopelessly lost as I do now. Someday, I’ll have those answers, and my life. Just not right now.

Right now, and for at least the beginning of 2008, the only plan I have is to continue doing what I’m doing and do the best I can for as long as I have left in me. Worthless as that plan may sound, it’s all I know to do.

Have I done what I planned for 2007? Have I accomplished my goal? Yes, I have. Mom is still with us. I guess I can’t think of any better way to start a new year than that.

Whatever 2008 may bring, I’m sure I’ll cope with it as it comes. They say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Whatever comes, I wish for strength.

Happy New Year, everyone. I wish you strength, too.

Two Feather—The Problem Solver

It’s been difficult for me to get into the holiday spirit. On-going family issues that just should not be happening and wondering how I’m going to make time for everyone to see Mom has put a damper on any good feeling I have about this holiday.

In one last effort to try to make things right, I called my brother, Ray, yesterday morning and left a message for him to call me back.

I went on with my plans and took Mom to Angel’s house around 2:00 to bake and decorate cutout cookies. Ray called me back while we were there. I asked if he was planning to visit with Mom on Christmas since he hasn’t come around or called for four months. He said he hadn’t planned on it, because of me, but he would like to see her. I asked Ray if I hadn’t called to make these arrangements if he would have bothered calling. He admitted he wouldn’t have. I told him I’d keep Mom up a little longer on Christmas Eve so he could visit after she got home from day care, and he said he’d have to check with his wife and call me back.

Mom and I were at Angel’s house for only about an hour and a half and I took her home. When we got home, I called Two Feather to let him know we were back and told him my brother called me back. Two Feather told me to call him after I got Mom in bed because he wanted to come down and talk to me about something.

When Two Feather came down, he told me that while Mom and I were at Angel’s house, he went up to talk to Ray. He asked him if he’d received my message yet and Ray told him no. Two Feather said he was there to make peace and told Ray that I had called to make arrangements to set a time for him to visit with Mom. He also told Ray that the lies about me trying to keep him from seeing Mom needed to stop. Two Feather told Ray that five years ago when he met my older brother, Bob, he asked Two Feather to take care of me, and he is taking care of me—from this point on if anyone messes with Joanne ever again, physically or mentally, they have to deal with him. He told Ray that I was doing fine taking care of Mom, but all the other family nonsense was making me sick and everything that has been going on hasn’t been about keeping him from his mother. He told Ray that calling me names had to stop. Ray told Two Feather he appreciated him coming to talk with him. Two shook his hand in the Indian way expecting my brother to hold to his word from this point on.

I’ve said before that Two Feather always finds a way to solve a problem and he’ll either leave you with a smile on your face or something to think about. It didn’t surprise me that he took it upon himself to try to make peace during a holiday he doesn’t celebrate. To Two Feather people should gift others with kindness and gratitude every day of the year, not just on one day. Everyday is Christmas.

When Ray didn’t call me back, Two and I sat and talked about other options. I called Ray this morning and told him that since it’s Christmas and I’m trying to make everyone happy, Mom could go off her normal schedule for one day so she could have Christmas dinner with him. He could pick her up at 3:30, spend a few hours with her before they had their dinner at 5:30, have dinner, and still spend some time with her after dinner.

Yes, Mom is normally getting in bed at the time they’ll be eating dinner, and she’ll be tired, but I guess it’s better to see her tired than not at all.

No matter what adversities we meet, Two Feather is always the problem solver. It’s just his way.

Peace is the best present I could receive right now and Two Feather has gifted me greatly.

Two Feather, thank you for that, and I thank the Creator for sending Two Feather down my path just prior to the time when I would need someone like this the most. I’m sure my Dad is smiling now. So, Two Feather…Wado. Gv Ge Yu I (This means, Thank you, I love you.)

Christmas Shopping, Christmas Cards and Who’s …?

Mom received several cards yesterday. She didn’t know who they were from.

The conversation went like this:

Look Mom, here’s a card from Bill.

Who’s Bill?

He was the best man at your wedding.

Why can’t I remember that?

Here’s one from Alma.

Who’s Alma?

Ardis’ sister.

Who’s Ardis?

Boot’s mom.

Who’s Boots?

Bob’s wife.

Who’s Bob?

Bob is my brother, your son.

It’s heartbreaking to know that she’s fading away day by day. Bob just called this weekend, too. But that didn’t ring a bell either.

Today she received two more cards.

Here’s a card from Larry.

He’s a cousin, isn’t he?

Yes, Mom. He’s your cousin.

Here’s one from Kary.

Who’s Kary?

Bob’s daughter.

Who’s Bob.

We went through all the cards and the same conversation all over again. By the time she asked, “Who’s so and so” for the fourth time, she literally laughed so hard she had tears in her eyes. After we went through the cards again, we were both laughing so hard she put the cards aside. Then she said, “It’s nice of these people to send cards whoever they are.”

I pulled out a box of Christmas cards and got ready to start addressing them to those who sent to her. She said, “I’m not sending cards to people I don’t know. What are these cards for anyway?”

I set the box of cards aside. My heart just wasn’t in it.

Two has been trying, but even with all the shopping and wrapping I still can’t seem to get into the Christmas spirit. Gee, I wonder why. It’s difficult trying to celebrate a holiday when Mom seems to have lost the concept of everything. Thanksgiving came and went and she had no clue what Thanksgiving was. I don’t think Christmas is going to be much different.

On another note: The 12 days of hell weren’t all bad. My daughter, Angel, visited both weekends and we enjoyed spending time with her, Katie and Tim. Katie is growing so fast and picking up so many new words. It’s always a joy to have them visit and Mom enjoys watching Katie play with the pillows on her couch and look through magazines.

On December 7th, Two and I celebrated our fifth year together by going out for breakfast, and we spent the day shopping. Two saved his money from his last four wood sales and managed to get all his Christmas shopping done for his six kids and seven grandchildren and his parents. We also bought presents for my daughter, Stacey, her husband, Dennis and her three kids, Trinity, Quenton, and Deandre, in Alabama. We wrapped everything and sent all the presents Monday. I still have to buy for Angel, Katie and Tim and Mom and Two. I probably wouldn’t have all Stacey’s family bought for already if it wasn’t that I had to mail everything.

Trinity surprised me with a phone call last week. She sounds so grown up on the phone. She wanted to know what size shirt Two wears so she could get him something for Christmas. I thought that was so sweet.

I’ve yet to visit Stacey and the kids in Alabama and I still haven’t seen their house. It’s not a trip I can take Mom along on. Two never gets to see his kids either, unless they come here. The trip to see them is too much for Mom as well. He sacrifices so much to support me in taking care of Mom. He’s yet to see two of his grandchildren.

Oh yes, in case you lost count, between the two of us, Two and I have eight kids and 10 grandchildren and one on the way. We’re getting old! LOL I just hope that he and I are not too old to make the trip to visit everyone when this journey is over.

One more thing: I did manage to get a few books read in the wee hours of the morning when Mom was up and down. So, I’ll be posting a few more book reviews as soon as I type them up from my handwritten versions.

And...Yay! The furnace is finally fixed.

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad!

Today would have been my mom and dad’s 66th wedding anniversary. Two years ago, when I mentioned the date, Mom was surprised when I said they would have been married 64 years. Last year and this year the date went by without me mentioning it, and without her realizing it. Dates and phone numbers seem to stick in my head. We always celebrated their anniversary at Thanksgiving every year. There won’t be any celebration this year, but I can at least remember for her.



This picture is a wood burning of my mom and dad’s wedding picture. When my daughter, Stacey, was in the Army stationed in Korea, she had it made for Mom and sent it to her for Christmas. Ever since, it's hung over the mantle of the fireplace my dad built in Mom's living room.

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad!

Since Thanksgiving I’m finding myself reminiscing more than I’d like to. I treasured the holidays when family used to gather together and I miss those times terribly. It seems since Dad died this family fell apart. Without Dad around, this family hasn’t been any fun and since Mom has had Alzheimer’s there’s no ‘family’ at all. Not in the real sense of the word anyway.

Family used to talk to each other and invite each other to their homes. That hasn’t happened, at least for me, since my dad died. I guess when Dad died, in the eyes of my brothers and nieces and nephew, I died too. No one had to bother with me, unless my mom pitched a fit because I was left out. It got to the point that I told her not to bother because I felt if they 'had to be told' to invite me, they didn't want me around. They made that perfectly clear over the years. The only person who seemed to care what was going on in my life was my mother (other than my daughters, Angel and Stacey, and my Uncle Joe). That used to bother me, a lot. But things have changed. Now...I couldn't care less.

Two years ago, I tried to plan a special Christmas for Mom. I invited both my brothers and told them to pass the invitation to all their family members to come home for Christmas. No one came except my daughters, their families, and Two Feather. Not even a call to say they weren't coming. All I got from the rest of the ‘so-called family’ was excuses, a hard time, and ridicule. For all intents and purposes, that is the last Christmas Mom remembers. That is, if you want to call a lot of prodding and picture showing to bring that memory back, remembering.

Normally, I put up the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. It’s still neatly tucked away in the box in which it was packed in 2005 and is sitting in my mom’s basement. I’ll probably have Two Feather take my tree back to my house in the next week or so and have him toss it in the basement to be stored with all the other decorations I doubt I’ll bother with this year. I still haven’t pulled out Mom’s little tree that we used last year. Why bother. I used to love this time of year; now it’s just another day that will go by without Mom ‘really’ knowing what day it is.

Alzheimer’s is a cruel disease. It is taking Mom piece by piece and it is ripping me apart.

As much as I said I had so much to be thankful for at Thanksgiving, I’d just as soon pass on holidays from now on. I hate Alzheimer’s! I hate what it’s doing to my mom. And I hate what it’s doing to me.

I Give Thanks

The turkey was in the oven and roasting as Mom slept. Two Feather came down and we sat upstairs sipping our morning coffee and talking about the two Thanksgiving dinners I’d prepared at our house. We’d only been together two years when I moved in with Mom to take care of her. Since then, we’ve had all our holiday meals here at her house. We talked about how we were just getting to know each other and learning how to live with each other when I had to move here; and we talked about how we’ll need to learn that all over again when the time comes for me to move back.

I have so much to be thankful for. Not just today, but every day. Every day is difficult for Two Feather and I being apart, but holidays are an especially difficult time. He’s been so very patient with me in my care giving for Mom and I know he’s terribly lonely each evening as he sits in our house alone while I’m down here at Mom’s. I’m so thankful that he’s as understanding and caring as he is. For him, I give thanks; for without him, his support, and his shoulder to cry on, my care giving would be so much more difficult.

I had a very loving and caring father who made so many wonderful memories for me. Everything I know about carpentry, roofing, electrical work, plumbing, butchering, farming, gardening—well everything I know about almost everything, I learned from him. Mom taught me all the ladylike things, like cooking, cleaning, ironing, baking, and canning. They both taught me to be respectful, honest, and true to myself. For my parents, I give thanks. I couldn’t have asked for better parents if I were to pick them out myself.

I miss my dad terribly during the holidays, and in the ten years that he’s been gone; my mom has taken his chair at the head of the table, whether dinner was at my house or hers. Today, as everyone filled their plates with the holiday dinner, I thought how lucky I am to be here—to still be alive to enjoy each and every day with my family, whether it is at a dinner table or a conversation on the phone. Stacey called this morning and wished me a Happy Thanksgiving. Trinity and Quenton got on the phone and I talked to them, too. I give thanks that the Creator allowed me to live to have two wonderful daughters of my own, who in turn gave me grandchildren. For my life, my children, and my grandchildren, I give thanks.

I thought of all my caregiver friends and said a silent prayer for those who would be spending their first Thanksgiving without their loved ones. I wished for them to have a happy holiday knowing that their loved ones are at peace, and hoped they would be surrounded with love. And I wished a “good day” for those who are still caring for their loved ones. For my caregiver friends and all their support, I give thanks. I hope your day was as wonderful as mine was.

Quietly I watched everyone eat dinner; Katie sitting at the table eating with grown up silverware, and everyone adding to their plates. I paid particular attention to Mom. I’d filled Mom’s plate with a little of everything from each bowl, and with each spoonful said a silent prayer of thanks for another day with Mom, my family, and for the food. The most anyone said while eating was how good everything tasted. We were too busy eating to say much else.



Each time Mom took a bite of food she told me everything was delicious and thanked me for making the meal. After each bite she would look up at everyone around the table, look down at her plate, fill her fork, and tell me it was delicious. I watched and listened each time she filled her fork. By the time everyone was finished eating, Mom had finished her whole plate of food, too! She said, “That was delicious, honey. I’m full.” I said, “I’m so proud of you, Mom. That’s the most you’ve eaten in a long time.” She said, “Really?” I said, “Really! And I’m so happy you ate so well.”

I turned my head to hide my tears. Two Feather saw them. I know he knew what the tears were for. Angel and Tim saw them, too. I’m pretty sure they knew why I had tears in my eyes, too.

For Mom eating, I give thanks.

Love you, everyone. Happy Thanksgiving!!

Busy Four Days

I haven’t posted since Saturday, so I figured I’d better catch everyone up to speed. Sunday Angel, Tim, and Katie moved their belongings into their new house just eight miles from me. I took Mom and Two Feather over about 11:00 AM so Two could help them carry things in. Mom sat on their couch and colored while everyone was walking by carrying furniture and boxes.

Angel asked me to bring my Pack N Play with us so Katie could lie down for her nap because they wouldn’t have time to put the crib together. Tim’s mom fed her lunch and I put her down for her nap. Within minutes of me singing to her, she was sleeping.

Shortly after that about 1:10 we had to leave because Mom was tired. Most everything was moved into the house by then anyway. They were going to get something to eat and go back over to Tim's Mom's house to watch the football game. Angel said they weren’t going to worry about putting things away yet because she was leaving to go back to Mechanicsburg to finish out her job and they weren't staying at the house until tonight. Probably just as well Mom got tired since I wasn’t feeling well.

Monday I had to run over to Angel’s house to let the water meter reader in, then I went back to my house and curled up on the couch still not feeling well. Two Feather moved more wood all day.

I picked Mom up from day care early to take her to her regular doctor’s appointment. It was scheduled for 3:45 but we didn’t get in to see her doctor until 4:00. She was tired and getting impatient waiting. He told me everything seemed to be going as well as could be expected and he wasn’t going to change or add any medications. He did say that if she was having a hard time swallowing that I could crush the pills and open the capsules and put them in her food. I told him I have been doing that for about a month already. He commended me for keeping her in her own home and keeping her active with the day care. “You’re doing a fine job with your mom,” he said. It felt good to hear that from her doctor. He told me I looked tired, asked how I was holding up, and asked if I had gone to any caregiver support group meetings yet. I told him I was doing okay, I hadn’t been to any meetings because they are all in the evening and I have no one to sit with Mom. I told him that I am involved with a group of caregivers online and we do quite well at helping support each other. He was pleased to hear that and told me if I decided to go to meetings personally to let him know and he would get a list out to me. “Without family help, Joanne, you need some type of support,” he added. He said when Mom starts to get weaker and I felt she wasn’t able to go to day care anymore that I was to call him. He reminded me that due to her weight loss hospice would do a re-evaluation and whenever I wanted to have hospice come in to let him know and he would write the prescription for it. I said thank you and would let him know when we get to that point. He wrote up a prescription for blood tests and asked me to have them done before we left, so we went down to the lab and waited an hour and twenty minutes before they finally took the blood needed for her tests. It’s a good thing I thought in advance and had a sandwich and snacks with me so Mom could eat while we waited. She was exhausted and fell asleep in the car. We got home at 7:00 and she couldn’t wait to get in bed. She went to sleep within seconds of her head hitting that pillow.

She must have been really exhausted because she never got up once during the night. I took her to day care on Tuesday and went home and curled up on the couch again because I still wasn’t feeling well. I have this horrible back pain, an aching pain between my shoulder blades that just won’t go away. Last night after Mom was in bed I planned to do some writing but I just didn’t feel up to it. I stretched out on the bed with a heating pad on my back and went to sleep. I have a chiropractor appointment on Tuesday and my PCP appointment right after, so I guess I’ll find out what the root of the problem is then.

Today the pain isn’t any better. The pain was so bad today I nearly passed out, I would have gone to the ER but I have no one to take care of Mom if they decided to admit me. Instead of worrying about it, I do what I always do--made myself busy to keep my mind off of things. I started getting things prepared for tomorrow’s dinner. I made two pumpkin pies and a cherry pie and I baked the green been casserole and candied yams.



Two Feather moved more wood while I was cooking at Mom’s house. He stopped in now and then to make sure I was okay. The house smelled so good with the pies baking we both said we couldn’t wait for Thanksgiving dinner because the aroma was making us hungry. He sat at the table and talked with me for a while and when he felt I didn’t look as pale as I had earlier, he went out to move more wood.

I also peeled potatoes, tore apart three loaves of bread, chopped up celery and onion and mixed the stuffing so it’s ready to stuff the turkey in the morning. All I’ll have to do is get up in the morning, clean, stuff, and cook the bird, put the potatoes on the stove to cook, and brown the dinner rolls. Everything else is done and will just need to be heated.

Today when I picked up Mom at day care I was called aside by the nurse. She said the clients were talking about Thanksgiving and their families and she wanted to let me know what Mom had said. Evidently, Mom told everyone that besides her daughter (me), who takes care of her, she has two sons, but they live out of the country and that’s why she never sees or hears from them. Funny how Alzheimer’s can cause them to make up something in their own minds that’s easier to believe or accept. Truth is her oldest son in North Carolina just called Sunday. It had been three weeks since he called, and her other son, who only lives a spit through the woods hasn’t been to see her since August 25th and hasn’t called since September 21. I guess for her it’s easier to say they live out of the country than to make excuses for them.

I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner. It will be nice to have someone in the house at the dinner table besides just Mom and me for a change. Two Feather, Angel, Tim, and Katie will be there. I’m anxious to see how much Mom will eat. I guess I’m hoping Thanksgiving dinner and all the wonderful aromas will make a difference in her appetite. We’ll see.

The only thing that we’ll be missing at our dinner table is Stacey, Dennis, Deandre, Trinity, and Quenton. We’ll miss you!!! Love you all.

Wishing everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!

Today Was Different

Well, today was different for a few reasons. Mom woke up asking me who was the bitch in the house last night. Whoever it was she thought was there, she didn’t like this old woman and she thought she was a thief. She’d grabbed her walker and moved it from the bottom of the bed to beside her bed so this person couldn’t steal it. I told Mom there wasn’t anyone in the house but her and I and she must have been dreaming. She was convinced that someone was in her room during the night. That was quite strange because Mom didn’t get out of bed even once last night. Then, while we were combing her hair, she stared at something on her dresser. I asked what she was looking at and she said she was looking at the picture of ‘us’ and pointed at a picture of her and my dad. Okay. Was the ‘us’ her thinking her and Dad, or was she thinking her and I. I didn’t ask. I’m not sure I wanted to know. I just said, oh, okay, that’s a nice picture, and I prodded her toward the kitchen to give her breakfast and pills before we left. On the way to day care all she said was how pretty the leaves were.

There was another reason today was different. It was the first time since my granddaughter Katie was born that I had the opportunity to spend time with her without Angel and Tim around. I took Mom to day care and Angel brought Katie over about 10:30. Angel’s interview wasn’t until 1:00 but she wanted to make Katie lunch and get her down for a nap before she left at noon. I think Angel was a bit nervous leaving Katie because it was the first time Katie had been alone with me without Angel around.

Katie seemed quite comfortable at my house actually. She ate and fell asleep before Angel left, which gave Angel time to change clothes and get ready for her appointment, and give me the motherly directions of what to do when Katie woke up; change her diaper, give her the canned peaches, and little fruit snack chewy things. Yep, I think I can handle that; I had two little girls way back when. LOL

It felt really strange having a baby in the house again. It reminded me of when I took care of my granddaughter Trinity for nearly two years while Stacey was in Korea. I sat on the couch and watched Katie sleep. Her little dimpled fingers opened and closed into a fist and her foot would lift and kick the blanket. She rolled from her back to her side and onto her tummy, then onto her side again. It felt good feeling like a grandma again.

Katie woke up about 1:30. I handled the diaper change and snack time like an old pro and we were off to better things. Katie and I sat on the couch and played with a little musical snowman for a while. Two Feather pushed a small couch pillow over and it tipped onto Katie’s elbow. She giggled and pushed it back. The two of them pushed that pillow back and forth for about ten minutes, giggling each time it flipped. Then, Katie did the cutest thing, Two Feather started to push the pillow again, and I guess Katie decided that was enough pushing and giggling and she put her forefinger up, waved it back and forth, and said, “no, no, no.”

Angel called about 2:20 and said she was waiting for another person to interview her and she’d be a little longer. She asked how Katie was doing. I don’t know if she could hear Katie giggling in the background, but I told her she had her snack, she was fine, and to be careful on the way home. We were doing fine.

After I got off the phone with Angel, Katie decided she liked my dog and crawled up on the couch by her to stroke her fur. Then we moved over to another chair and Katie played with the little talking piano toy Angel brought with her. The piano keys were labeled A, B, C, D, and E. A was for apple and had a biting crunch sound, B never got pushed, so I’m not sure what it was for, C was for car with a horn beep (I always thought C was for cat), D was for dog with a barking sound, and E was for elephant with an elephant sound. Wow, toys have changed so much since my kids were little. Angel and Stacey used to have the big round Fisher Price toy with the letters and pictures of animals. They had to turn the big red arrow to point to the animal and pull the cord to hear the name and sound of the animal.

Anyway, Katie either got tired of pushing the buttons on the piano toy, or she got tired of me taking pictures of her; whichever it was, she put her hands to her side and gave me this look that seemed to say, “Are we done yet?”

Katie and I moved back over to the couch, I changed her again, and by that time Angel was walking in the door at 3:30. She put everything in the car and left for home.

Katie was only awake for two hours while she was there but we managed to fill those two hours with a lot of playtime. After she left I sat on the couch and talked with Two Feather for a half hour before I had to leave to pick up Mom. On the way out to the car, I realized this old ladies’ body isn’t what it used to be. My knees felt rug burned, and my back was killing me. Crawling around on the floor didn’t bother me five years ago, but a lot has changed in five years.

I picked Mom up at day care and the first thing she asked me was whether she woke me up last night during the night. When I said no, she said, that’s odd; I thought I woke you to throw that old woman out of the house. Nope, Mom, you didn’t wake me. That’s good she said. *shrug* She didn't mention it again.

Mom ate very little dinner and went to bed as soon as she was finished. She said she was exhausted and felt cold. I tucked her in, said I love you and came up to my room. Within minutes I could hear the soft steady breathing of her sleep. I’m tired too; think I’ll hit the sack early tonight. All this mothering and grand mothering is tiring. LOL

Before closing though, I'd like to say thank you to all soldiers serving in every part of the world and all our veterans who served in the past. Thank you for what you've done for our country. Yesterday was the official Veteran's Day, but since it's being observed today, I felt it only right to let you all know you're in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks Dad, Uncle Joe, Stacey, Angel, and all of you wonderful military personnel.