Some Fun, Some Not So Fun, Some Sad--July Update

July began with me not feeling well. I was aching from head to toe. There was no cold or sneezing, just a deep congested cough coming straight from my chest. I knew immediately the weather in June made a home in my lungs with bronchitis. An appointment with my doctor and a chest x-ray on the 15th confirmed it. I was put on antibiotics for two weeks.

My daughter, Stacey, and her family came up from Alabama for a visit on the 24th. They visited with us all day on the 25th while Mom was at club. Two Feather was cleaning up the branches from the big oak that was left lay by the loggers in the lower yard.



Stacey’s husband, Dennis, was throwing the small branches onto the wagon and Stacey drove the Mule behind the house where we threw the branches and brush over the hill in a large gully.



Trinity and Quenton helped throw branches, too. Tux, Stacey's dog, had to get in the action, too. They were having fun helping Pap Pap and Bammaw clean up GG’s (great grandma’s) yard.

On the 26th, Stacey, Dennis, Trinity, and Quenton came over and spent the entire day visiting with Mom and on the 27th they came back again with Angel, Tim and Katie and visited most of the day.



I managed to get everyone in the picture. Of course, there are two people missing in the picture; I was taking the picture and Two Feather ran up to our house to bring Ricky the raccoon down to meet the family.

Angel and Katie met Ricky in June. This is a picture of them.


The kids loved petting him.



Mom thought he was adorable and held him on her lap for a while. Her eyes lit up when he crawled onto her shoulder and squeaked.



She thought it was great that we nursed him back to health and that he was so small, cute, and cuddly. She just loved him.



I snapped of shot of Angel and Stacey playing ring-around-the-rosy with Katie, Trinity, and Quenton. Shortly after, the girls announced they were leaving because they knew Mom was getting tired. They planned to go out for dinner and left so I could get Mom something to eat and keep her on her schedule. It’s times like this that I miss being able to get up and go and spend more time with my kids and grandkids, but I’m very thankful that they recognize the signs of Mom growing tired and understand the need to keep her on her schedule. Mom is only able to take so much out-of-routine and more-than-normal crowd around her for so long. You caregivers know what I mean; anything and anyone out of the ordinary seems to mentally fatigue our loved ones that much more.

Monday the 28th I took Mom to day care and I went to my doctor because my bronchitis wasn’t much better. He gave me another seven-day prescription and insisted that I take care of myself for a change. I wasn’t getting the rest I needed for the antibiotics to work properly. It was either place Mom in the ALF or I would end up in the hospital and have to place her anyway. I called the ALF to take her in the next morning. After I dropped her off, I went to my house and slept and rested the rest of that day and all of the next.

Angel and Stacey wanted to go to the local amusement park, Kennywood, on the 30th. Angel, Tim, and Katie were meeting us there after work. I told them Two Feather and I would go along and watch the grandkids while my daughters and their husbands rode rides that the munchkins were too small for. After all, I’d only be walking around and the temperature was in the high 80’s so what harm could it do?

Two and I took the kids to Kiddieland to ride the kid’s rides. Trinity, Quenton, and Katie had so much fun riding the rides. I rode a few of the rides with them.

While Angel, Tim, Stacey, and Dennis rode the roller coasters, Two and I bought the kids drinks and a funnel cake with powdered sugar on it. Between sharing the funnel cake and talking with our grandchildren, we kept them occupied until my daughters were off the rides.



I thought it was cute that Angel kept calling me from the cell phone asking if we and the kids were okay and letting me know where they were in line and how long it would be before they came back.

The day was beautiful. I even road a few of the rides, too. I rode on the King Kahuna, which swings up in the air and upside down. There was a harness that came down over the shoulders and locked in position and it had handgrips to hold onto. It wasn’t too bad.

I love amusement parks! I love roller coasters and thrilling rides, but I can’t go on those type rides anymore since I have a plate in my neck. I’ve never been afraid to go on any ride…ever.

The last ride of the day, before we left, was the Phantom’s Revenge. I’m thankful Angel had gone on it prior to her convincing me to go on one last ride. She said I’d love it and she went on it with me. She hadn’t bothered to tell me there was no harness or handgrips. It was a long panel of seats in a row—something like movie theater seats. The only difference was it had a skimpy seatbelt and it swung high up in the air. Not too bad, I thought as it started swinging. Then, Angel said, “It’s not over yet!” When I asked, “What do you mean?” She giggled and said, “You’ll see.”

The ride swung higher and higher, and my heart felt like it was in my throat when the next swoop took us so high that we were facing the cement beneath us. I couldn’t wait for the ride to be over! Never in all my years of riding amusement park rides has there ever been a ride I wouldn’t go on again. There is now! I won’t even repeat what came out of my mouth as my heart jumped in my throat with each swing. When I walked up to Two after I got off the ride, I said, “That was terrifying! There was nothing to hold on to. Never again!”

Angel asked someone take a picture of all of us before we left the park. I'll have to get that picture from her.

It felt good to get home, take a hot shower, and cuddle up on the couch. I was tired from walking all day, but we had a wonderful time.

On the 31st I asked everyone to meet us at a Mexican restaurant for dinner. I wanted to take them all out to dinner to celebrate Angel and Tim’s wedding anniversary (which was on the 29th)
and Stacey’s birthday (which would be on August 3rd). Stacey was leaving on Friday morning and I wanted to be able to spend time with everyone before she left.

All in all, July wasn’t too, too bad. My bleeding ulcer is being treated with two medications. The abnormality in my blood was diagnosed and I had another small surgery at the beginning of the month. There are a few other things I need to take care of that I wouldn’t mind telling my friends about, but I really don’t feel comfortable putting it out here for nosey eyes to read. Let’s just say, things are going as well as can be expected and I will persevere!

On another note, a dear friend of ours passed away, another friend’s daughter had a gorgeous baby girl, our loving cat, Coffee, died this month, and the logging was completed on July 7th.

Be back as soon as possible with the next update. I’ll try to cram August and September into one post so I can get back to regular posting. Keeping all of you in my prayers.

Tornadoes in Alabama--Worried Mom Here

Day care was open today and routines were back to normal. Stacey called me in the early afternoon. She's such a stinker. She sounded like she was pretending to sniffle (you know those sounds I mentioned I heard on the phone that always told me something was wrong) and proceeded to tell me that there were 20 tornadoes headed her way in Alabama. She may really have been crying, but she hides her emotions very well from me lately. The schools closed and she had to leave work and pick up the kids. She said she'd call me back in an hour or so and let me know if everything was OK.

While talking to her, I told her she should have stayed in PA instead of moving back to Alabama. I remember how she used to call me just before every threat of a tornado. We bought her a crank generated weather band radio for Christmas last year, so she'd always be able to hear a weather report if the power went out. She was always a nervous wreck; asking me what she should do if she spotted one. There are no basements to hide in, so I always said she should grab a mattress, get everyone in the bathtub, and hold the mattress over them. If that wasn't possible, I joked that she should stand between the most sturdy doorframe, bend over, and kiss her butt goodbye. She always got a chuckle out of that. It's not so funny, when you actually think about it, though. There is nowhere to hide from a tornado down there.

You'd think the Army base would have underground bunkers, or something in place for the safety of their employees.

No call came in. I tried calling her cell phone after I got Mom settled and the call didn't go through. It disconnected after a single ring. I watched the weather report and couldn't tell if her area was hit or not.

I'll try again in the morning and see if I can get through. I hate not knowing. Guess I'm going to have to get a better communication system with her in cases like these.

Stacey, if you went back to work today, let me know you weren't bent over between the doorframe and how things went. You worry the pants off your mother and Two. :D

New Year's Eve

The last day of 2007, New Year’s Eve, was a quiet one. I took Mom to day care for their New Year’s Eve party and Two and I went to Wal-Mart to buy a few movies to add to our collection. Stacey called to wish me a Happy New Year because she was having company for New Year’s Eve and she knew I was, too.

I picked up Mom at the usual time, brought her home, made dinner, and got her ready for bed. I learned a long time ago that it’s always easier to get her ready for bed before dinner because she’s always exhausted and less lucid by the time she finishes eating.

Mom received a piece of mail and I had her open it before dinner. When she looked at the envelope, she asked, “Who’s Sheila?” I said, “Ray’s wife.” “Oh,” she said. “Why’s she sending me something?” Mom asked. “I don’t know, Mom. Open it and see what it is,” I said. Mom opened it to find a picture with a post-it note on it. She couldn’t read it and asked me to read it to her. So I did. When she looked at the picture she asked, “Who are these people?” I told her the people in the picture were her grandson, his wife and their two daughters. Mom was seated in the middle of them. She recognized herself. “When was this taken?” Mom asked. “That was taken at Ray’s house when you went up there on Christmas,” I said. “I went there for Christmas?” Mom asked. “Yes, Mom. You went there for Christmas." “I don’t remember,” she said, as she put the picture on the table. She glanced at the picture several times while eating and I could tell by the wrinkles in her forehead that she was still trying to figure out when she’d been there and trying to figure out how the people in the picture were related to her. I tried to explain that Ray’s son is her grandson and Toby’s kids were her great grandchildren, but she didn’t comprehend the relationship at all. She just said, “If you say so.” She’s not able to comprehend how this all relates to her anymore. It is so, so sad. Even sadder is that she didn’t realize Christmas was here and gone.

During dinner I could tell she’d had a busy day. The lines on her face were more prominent and her eyelids were drooping. She was exhausted and as usual wanted to go to bed shortly after dinner. She was snoring her loud nasal snore within 15 minutes of being in bed.

Two came down to spend New Year’s Eve with me and spend the night. It was one of five times he’s stayed in the three years I’ve lived with Mom. Three were on New Year’s Eves and two were because Mom asked him to stay because she was afraid and wanted a man in the house.

We watched one of the movies we bought earlier in the day. Yeah, I know, on New Year’s Eve, it’s sort of odd to watch Halloween, but it was something to watch and we enjoyed it. Angel called to wish me Happy New Year and said she and Tim were staying home for the evening and watching Shrek 2.

Two and I snacked on a meat and cheese tray his dad brought us on Chritmas. It was delicious. The movie ended at 11:00 and I turned on the news to watch it and then planned to watch the ball drop at midnight. Two fell asleep during the news and I watched the countdown for the New Year. He woke up long enough to look at the TV, wish me Happy New Year, kiss me, and went back to sleep. LOL All in all, New Year’s Eve was a nice day and evening.

Christmas 2007--Making Memories

Here are just a few of our Christmas 2007 memories.
Katie holding her butterfly doll from Two Feather.

Mom opening sweatshirt.

Angel with pants we bought her.

Mom with her velvet coloring pictures from Stacey.

Me with bath set from Stacey.

Mom with jogging suit from Angel, Tim and Katie.

Katie opening present from Stacey.

Still unwrapping.

Of course, it's always been known that the boxes are the best presents of all.


One of these days I'll have to learn from Terry how to make one of those slide shows so these pictures don't take up so much room. LOL

My Poor Little Sweetheart

With everything else that’s been going on, I failed to mention that Stacey called me early Friday evening. I swear my girls have this little test they give me now and then to see if I’m paying attention. I can always tell by the sound of their voices whether something is wrong or if they call just to talk. One of these days one of them is going to give me a heart attack. Normally when the “something is wrong” voice is on the other end of the phone and I ask them what’s wrong, the answer is either “I just wrecked my car” or “I’m at the ER.”

Well, Stacey’s response Friday evening was, “I’m at the ER.” My grandson, Quenton, fell at the day care and banged his face on the toilet in the bathroom. He had to have five stitches. My poor little sweetheart. I feel horrible for him and Stacey. I know she had calmed down before she called me because she wasn’t in tears and I didn’t have to ask, “What?! What happened?! Are you OK?!”

Stacey, I hope Quenton is feeling better by now. Give him a big hug and kiss from grandma.

Christmas Shopping, Christmas Cards and Who’s …?

Mom received several cards yesterday. She didn’t know who they were from.

The conversation went like this:

Look Mom, here’s a card from Bill.

Who’s Bill?

He was the best man at your wedding.

Why can’t I remember that?

Here’s one from Alma.

Who’s Alma?

Ardis’ sister.

Who’s Ardis?

Boot’s mom.

Who’s Boots?

Bob’s wife.

Who’s Bob?

Bob is my brother, your son.

It’s heartbreaking to know that she’s fading away day by day. Bob just called this weekend, too. But that didn’t ring a bell either.

Today she received two more cards.

Here’s a card from Larry.

He’s a cousin, isn’t he?

Yes, Mom. He’s your cousin.

Here’s one from Kary.

Who’s Kary?

Bob’s daughter.

Who’s Bob.

We went through all the cards and the same conversation all over again. By the time she asked, “Who’s so and so” for the fourth time, she literally laughed so hard she had tears in her eyes. After we went through the cards again, we were both laughing so hard she put the cards aside. Then she said, “It’s nice of these people to send cards whoever they are.”

I pulled out a box of Christmas cards and got ready to start addressing them to those who sent to her. She said, “I’m not sending cards to people I don’t know. What are these cards for anyway?”

I set the box of cards aside. My heart just wasn’t in it.

Two has been trying, but even with all the shopping and wrapping I still can’t seem to get into the Christmas spirit. Gee, I wonder why. It’s difficult trying to celebrate a holiday when Mom seems to have lost the concept of everything. Thanksgiving came and went and she had no clue what Thanksgiving was. I don’t think Christmas is going to be much different.

On another note: The 12 days of hell weren’t all bad. My daughter, Angel, visited both weekends and we enjoyed spending time with her, Katie and Tim. Katie is growing so fast and picking up so many new words. It’s always a joy to have them visit and Mom enjoys watching Katie play with the pillows on her couch and look through magazines.

On December 7th, Two and I celebrated our fifth year together by going out for breakfast, and we spent the day shopping. Two saved his money from his last four wood sales and managed to get all his Christmas shopping done for his six kids and seven grandchildren and his parents. We also bought presents for my daughter, Stacey, her husband, Dennis and her three kids, Trinity, Quenton, and Deandre, in Alabama. We wrapped everything and sent all the presents Monday. I still have to buy for Angel, Katie and Tim and Mom and Two. I probably wouldn’t have all Stacey’s family bought for already if it wasn’t that I had to mail everything.

Trinity surprised me with a phone call last week. She sounds so grown up on the phone. She wanted to know what size shirt Two wears so she could get him something for Christmas. I thought that was so sweet.

I’ve yet to visit Stacey and the kids in Alabama and I still haven’t seen their house. It’s not a trip I can take Mom along on. Two never gets to see his kids either, unless they come here. The trip to see them is too much for Mom as well. He sacrifices so much to support me in taking care of Mom. He’s yet to see two of his grandchildren.

Oh yes, in case you lost count, between the two of us, Two and I have eight kids and 10 grandchildren and one on the way. We’re getting old! LOL I just hope that he and I are not too old to make the trip to visit everyone when this journey is over.

One more thing: I did manage to get a few books read in the wee hours of the morning when Mom was up and down. So, I’ll be posting a few more book reviews as soon as I type them up from my handwritten versions.

And...Yay! The furnace is finally fixed.

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad!

Today would have been my mom and dad’s 66th wedding anniversary. Two years ago, when I mentioned the date, Mom was surprised when I said they would have been married 64 years. Last year and this year the date went by without me mentioning it, and without her realizing it. Dates and phone numbers seem to stick in my head. We always celebrated their anniversary at Thanksgiving every year. There won’t be any celebration this year, but I can at least remember for her.



This picture is a wood burning of my mom and dad’s wedding picture. When my daughter, Stacey, was in the Army stationed in Korea, she had it made for Mom and sent it to her for Christmas. Ever since, it's hung over the mantle of the fireplace my dad built in Mom's living room.

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad!

Since Thanksgiving I’m finding myself reminiscing more than I’d like to. I treasured the holidays when family used to gather together and I miss those times terribly. It seems since Dad died this family fell apart. Without Dad around, this family hasn’t been any fun and since Mom has had Alzheimer’s there’s no ‘family’ at all. Not in the real sense of the word anyway.

Family used to talk to each other and invite each other to their homes. That hasn’t happened, at least for me, since my dad died. I guess when Dad died, in the eyes of my brothers and nieces and nephew, I died too. No one had to bother with me, unless my mom pitched a fit because I was left out. It got to the point that I told her not to bother because I felt if they 'had to be told' to invite me, they didn't want me around. They made that perfectly clear over the years. The only person who seemed to care what was going on in my life was my mother (other than my daughters, Angel and Stacey, and my Uncle Joe). That used to bother me, a lot. But things have changed. Now...I couldn't care less.

Two years ago, I tried to plan a special Christmas for Mom. I invited both my brothers and told them to pass the invitation to all their family members to come home for Christmas. No one came except my daughters, their families, and Two Feather. Not even a call to say they weren't coming. All I got from the rest of the ‘so-called family’ was excuses, a hard time, and ridicule. For all intents and purposes, that is the last Christmas Mom remembers. That is, if you want to call a lot of prodding and picture showing to bring that memory back, remembering.

Normally, I put up the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. It’s still neatly tucked away in the box in which it was packed in 2005 and is sitting in my mom’s basement. I’ll probably have Two Feather take my tree back to my house in the next week or so and have him toss it in the basement to be stored with all the other decorations I doubt I’ll bother with this year. I still haven’t pulled out Mom’s little tree that we used last year. Why bother. I used to love this time of year; now it’s just another day that will go by without Mom ‘really’ knowing what day it is.

Alzheimer’s is a cruel disease. It is taking Mom piece by piece and it is ripping me apart.

As much as I said I had so much to be thankful for at Thanksgiving, I’d just as soon pass on holidays from now on. I hate Alzheimer’s! I hate what it’s doing to my mom. And I hate what it’s doing to me.

I Give Thanks

The turkey was in the oven and roasting as Mom slept. Two Feather came down and we sat upstairs sipping our morning coffee and talking about the two Thanksgiving dinners I’d prepared at our house. We’d only been together two years when I moved in with Mom to take care of her. Since then, we’ve had all our holiday meals here at her house. We talked about how we were just getting to know each other and learning how to live with each other when I had to move here; and we talked about how we’ll need to learn that all over again when the time comes for me to move back.

I have so much to be thankful for. Not just today, but every day. Every day is difficult for Two Feather and I being apart, but holidays are an especially difficult time. He’s been so very patient with me in my care giving for Mom and I know he’s terribly lonely each evening as he sits in our house alone while I’m down here at Mom’s. I’m so thankful that he’s as understanding and caring as he is. For him, I give thanks; for without him, his support, and his shoulder to cry on, my care giving would be so much more difficult.

I had a very loving and caring father who made so many wonderful memories for me. Everything I know about carpentry, roofing, electrical work, plumbing, butchering, farming, gardening—well everything I know about almost everything, I learned from him. Mom taught me all the ladylike things, like cooking, cleaning, ironing, baking, and canning. They both taught me to be respectful, honest, and true to myself. For my parents, I give thanks. I couldn’t have asked for better parents if I were to pick them out myself.

I miss my dad terribly during the holidays, and in the ten years that he’s been gone; my mom has taken his chair at the head of the table, whether dinner was at my house or hers. Today, as everyone filled their plates with the holiday dinner, I thought how lucky I am to be here—to still be alive to enjoy each and every day with my family, whether it is at a dinner table or a conversation on the phone. Stacey called this morning and wished me a Happy Thanksgiving. Trinity and Quenton got on the phone and I talked to them, too. I give thanks that the Creator allowed me to live to have two wonderful daughters of my own, who in turn gave me grandchildren. For my life, my children, and my grandchildren, I give thanks.

I thought of all my caregiver friends and said a silent prayer for those who would be spending their first Thanksgiving without their loved ones. I wished for them to have a happy holiday knowing that their loved ones are at peace, and hoped they would be surrounded with love. And I wished a “good day” for those who are still caring for their loved ones. For my caregiver friends and all their support, I give thanks. I hope your day was as wonderful as mine was.

Quietly I watched everyone eat dinner; Katie sitting at the table eating with grown up silverware, and everyone adding to their plates. I paid particular attention to Mom. I’d filled Mom’s plate with a little of everything from each bowl, and with each spoonful said a silent prayer of thanks for another day with Mom, my family, and for the food. The most anyone said while eating was how good everything tasted. We were too busy eating to say much else.



Each time Mom took a bite of food she told me everything was delicious and thanked me for making the meal. After each bite she would look up at everyone around the table, look down at her plate, fill her fork, and tell me it was delicious. I watched and listened each time she filled her fork. By the time everyone was finished eating, Mom had finished her whole plate of food, too! She said, “That was delicious, honey. I’m full.” I said, “I’m so proud of you, Mom. That’s the most you’ve eaten in a long time.” She said, “Really?” I said, “Really! And I’m so happy you ate so well.”

I turned my head to hide my tears. Two Feather saw them. I know he knew what the tears were for. Angel and Tim saw them, too. I’m pretty sure they knew why I had tears in my eyes, too.

For Mom eating, I give thanks.

Love you, everyone. Happy Thanksgiving!!

Busy Four Days

I haven’t posted since Saturday, so I figured I’d better catch everyone up to speed. Sunday Angel, Tim, and Katie moved their belongings into their new house just eight miles from me. I took Mom and Two Feather over about 11:00 AM so Two could help them carry things in. Mom sat on their couch and colored while everyone was walking by carrying furniture and boxes.

Angel asked me to bring my Pack N Play with us so Katie could lie down for her nap because they wouldn’t have time to put the crib together. Tim’s mom fed her lunch and I put her down for her nap. Within minutes of me singing to her, she was sleeping.

Shortly after that about 1:10 we had to leave because Mom was tired. Most everything was moved into the house by then anyway. They were going to get something to eat and go back over to Tim's Mom's house to watch the football game. Angel said they weren’t going to worry about putting things away yet because she was leaving to go back to Mechanicsburg to finish out her job and they weren't staying at the house until tonight. Probably just as well Mom got tired since I wasn’t feeling well.

Monday I had to run over to Angel’s house to let the water meter reader in, then I went back to my house and curled up on the couch still not feeling well. Two Feather moved more wood all day.

I picked Mom up from day care early to take her to her regular doctor’s appointment. It was scheduled for 3:45 but we didn’t get in to see her doctor until 4:00. She was tired and getting impatient waiting. He told me everything seemed to be going as well as could be expected and he wasn’t going to change or add any medications. He did say that if she was having a hard time swallowing that I could crush the pills and open the capsules and put them in her food. I told him I have been doing that for about a month already. He commended me for keeping her in her own home and keeping her active with the day care. “You’re doing a fine job with your mom,” he said. It felt good to hear that from her doctor. He told me I looked tired, asked how I was holding up, and asked if I had gone to any caregiver support group meetings yet. I told him I was doing okay, I hadn’t been to any meetings because they are all in the evening and I have no one to sit with Mom. I told him that I am involved with a group of caregivers online and we do quite well at helping support each other. He was pleased to hear that and told me if I decided to go to meetings personally to let him know and he would get a list out to me. “Without family help, Joanne, you need some type of support,” he added. He said when Mom starts to get weaker and I felt she wasn’t able to go to day care anymore that I was to call him. He reminded me that due to her weight loss hospice would do a re-evaluation and whenever I wanted to have hospice come in to let him know and he would write the prescription for it. I said thank you and would let him know when we get to that point. He wrote up a prescription for blood tests and asked me to have them done before we left, so we went down to the lab and waited an hour and twenty minutes before they finally took the blood needed for her tests. It’s a good thing I thought in advance and had a sandwich and snacks with me so Mom could eat while we waited. She was exhausted and fell asleep in the car. We got home at 7:00 and she couldn’t wait to get in bed. She went to sleep within seconds of her head hitting that pillow.

She must have been really exhausted because she never got up once during the night. I took her to day care on Tuesday and went home and curled up on the couch again because I still wasn’t feeling well. I have this horrible back pain, an aching pain between my shoulder blades that just won’t go away. Last night after Mom was in bed I planned to do some writing but I just didn’t feel up to it. I stretched out on the bed with a heating pad on my back and went to sleep. I have a chiropractor appointment on Tuesday and my PCP appointment right after, so I guess I’ll find out what the root of the problem is then.

Today the pain isn’t any better. The pain was so bad today I nearly passed out, I would have gone to the ER but I have no one to take care of Mom if they decided to admit me. Instead of worrying about it, I do what I always do--made myself busy to keep my mind off of things. I started getting things prepared for tomorrow’s dinner. I made two pumpkin pies and a cherry pie and I baked the green been casserole and candied yams.



Two Feather moved more wood while I was cooking at Mom’s house. He stopped in now and then to make sure I was okay. The house smelled so good with the pies baking we both said we couldn’t wait for Thanksgiving dinner because the aroma was making us hungry. He sat at the table and talked with me for a while and when he felt I didn’t look as pale as I had earlier, he went out to move more wood.

I also peeled potatoes, tore apart three loaves of bread, chopped up celery and onion and mixed the stuffing so it’s ready to stuff the turkey in the morning. All I’ll have to do is get up in the morning, clean, stuff, and cook the bird, put the potatoes on the stove to cook, and brown the dinner rolls. Everything else is done and will just need to be heated.

Today when I picked up Mom at day care I was called aside by the nurse. She said the clients were talking about Thanksgiving and their families and she wanted to let me know what Mom had said. Evidently, Mom told everyone that besides her daughter (me), who takes care of her, she has two sons, but they live out of the country and that’s why she never sees or hears from them. Funny how Alzheimer’s can cause them to make up something in their own minds that’s easier to believe or accept. Truth is her oldest son in North Carolina just called Sunday. It had been three weeks since he called, and her other son, who only lives a spit through the woods hasn’t been to see her since August 25th and hasn’t called since September 21. I guess for her it’s easier to say they live out of the country than to make excuses for them.

I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner. It will be nice to have someone in the house at the dinner table besides just Mom and me for a change. Two Feather, Angel, Tim, and Katie will be there. I’m anxious to see how much Mom will eat. I guess I’m hoping Thanksgiving dinner and all the wonderful aromas will make a difference in her appetite. We’ll see.

The only thing that we’ll be missing at our dinner table is Stacey, Dennis, Deandre, Trinity, and Quenton. We’ll miss you!!! Love you all.

Wishing everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!

Happy Birthday Trinity!

I can’t let the day go by without wishing my oldest granddaughter a very Happy Birthday. I called and talked to her today and she told me she had a fun birthday. She had cake and ice cream and opened a lot of gifts.

She's grown up so much since she stayed with me while Stacey was in Korea. She gets more beautiful every year.

Happy Birthday, Trinity. I love you!

Today Was Different

Well, today was different for a few reasons. Mom woke up asking me who was the bitch in the house last night. Whoever it was she thought was there, she didn’t like this old woman and she thought she was a thief. She’d grabbed her walker and moved it from the bottom of the bed to beside her bed so this person couldn’t steal it. I told Mom there wasn’t anyone in the house but her and I and she must have been dreaming. She was convinced that someone was in her room during the night. That was quite strange because Mom didn’t get out of bed even once last night. Then, while we were combing her hair, she stared at something on her dresser. I asked what she was looking at and she said she was looking at the picture of ‘us’ and pointed at a picture of her and my dad. Okay. Was the ‘us’ her thinking her and Dad, or was she thinking her and I. I didn’t ask. I’m not sure I wanted to know. I just said, oh, okay, that’s a nice picture, and I prodded her toward the kitchen to give her breakfast and pills before we left. On the way to day care all she said was how pretty the leaves were.

There was another reason today was different. It was the first time since my granddaughter Katie was born that I had the opportunity to spend time with her without Angel and Tim around. I took Mom to day care and Angel brought Katie over about 10:30. Angel’s interview wasn’t until 1:00 but she wanted to make Katie lunch and get her down for a nap before she left at noon. I think Angel was a bit nervous leaving Katie because it was the first time Katie had been alone with me without Angel around.

Katie seemed quite comfortable at my house actually. She ate and fell asleep before Angel left, which gave Angel time to change clothes and get ready for her appointment, and give me the motherly directions of what to do when Katie woke up; change her diaper, give her the canned peaches, and little fruit snack chewy things. Yep, I think I can handle that; I had two little girls way back when. LOL

It felt really strange having a baby in the house again. It reminded me of when I took care of my granddaughter Trinity for nearly two years while Stacey was in Korea. I sat on the couch and watched Katie sleep. Her little dimpled fingers opened and closed into a fist and her foot would lift and kick the blanket. She rolled from her back to her side and onto her tummy, then onto her side again. It felt good feeling like a grandma again.

Katie woke up about 1:30. I handled the diaper change and snack time like an old pro and we were off to better things. Katie and I sat on the couch and played with a little musical snowman for a while. Two Feather pushed a small couch pillow over and it tipped onto Katie’s elbow. She giggled and pushed it back. The two of them pushed that pillow back and forth for about ten minutes, giggling each time it flipped. Then, Katie did the cutest thing, Two Feather started to push the pillow again, and I guess Katie decided that was enough pushing and giggling and she put her forefinger up, waved it back and forth, and said, “no, no, no.”

Angel called about 2:20 and said she was waiting for another person to interview her and she’d be a little longer. She asked how Katie was doing. I don’t know if she could hear Katie giggling in the background, but I told her she had her snack, she was fine, and to be careful on the way home. We were doing fine.

After I got off the phone with Angel, Katie decided she liked my dog and crawled up on the couch by her to stroke her fur. Then we moved over to another chair and Katie played with the little talking piano toy Angel brought with her. The piano keys were labeled A, B, C, D, and E. A was for apple and had a biting crunch sound, B never got pushed, so I’m not sure what it was for, C was for car with a horn beep (I always thought C was for cat), D was for dog with a barking sound, and E was for elephant with an elephant sound. Wow, toys have changed so much since my kids were little. Angel and Stacey used to have the big round Fisher Price toy with the letters and pictures of animals. They had to turn the big red arrow to point to the animal and pull the cord to hear the name and sound of the animal.

Anyway, Katie either got tired of pushing the buttons on the piano toy, or she got tired of me taking pictures of her; whichever it was, she put her hands to her side and gave me this look that seemed to say, “Are we done yet?”

Katie and I moved back over to the couch, I changed her again, and by that time Angel was walking in the door at 3:30. She put everything in the car and left for home.

Katie was only awake for two hours while she was there but we managed to fill those two hours with a lot of playtime. After she left I sat on the couch and talked with Two Feather for a half hour before I had to leave to pick up Mom. On the way out to the car, I realized this old ladies’ body isn’t what it used to be. My knees felt rug burned, and my back was killing me. Crawling around on the floor didn’t bother me five years ago, but a lot has changed in five years.

I picked Mom up at day care and the first thing she asked me was whether she woke me up last night during the night. When I said no, she said, that’s odd; I thought I woke you to throw that old woman out of the house. Nope, Mom, you didn’t wake me. That’s good she said. *shrug* She didn't mention it again.

Mom ate very little dinner and went to bed as soon as she was finished. She said she was exhausted and felt cold. I tucked her in, said I love you and came up to my room. Within minutes I could hear the soft steady breathing of her sleep. I’m tired too; think I’ll hit the sack early tonight. All this mothering and grand mothering is tiring. LOL

Before closing though, I'd like to say thank you to all soldiers serving in every part of the world and all our veterans who served in the past. Thank you for what you've done for our country. Yesterday was the official Veteran's Day, but since it's being observed today, I felt it only right to let you all know you're in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks Dad, Uncle Joe, Stacey, Angel, and all of you wonderful military personnel.

The Day Wasn't All Bad--Getting Good At Saying Oh Well

Inquiring minds asked how my birthday went. :) Well, I’d like to say I had a wonderful birthday, but I’m not a liar. Had it not been for the migraine I woke up with, it probably would have gone a lot better. I’m not a happy camper when I have a migraine. When my head hurts, I do not function well at all, in any aspect. I had an auto accident four years ago, which required cervical spine surgery on my neck. I’ve had neck pain ever since. Once the neck pain begins, it radiates and becomes a full-blown migraine. The vice-like grip on my temples was unrelenting all day. But the day wasn’t all bad.

I called Two Feather when I got up as I do every morning. That’s my way of letting him know I’m still among the living and the day has begun. He told me to be careful taking Mom to day care and getting home, and we hung up. No mention of my birthday. I thought that was odd, but I figured he was waiting until I got home.

He had a fire going in the fireplace when I got home and he made me breakfast. I knew this was just a small part of his grand scheme for the day. No ‘Happy Birthday’ from him yet. No big deal. It didn’t really bother me; I knew he knew it was my birthday; he always teases me and says your birthday is the 11th right? Yeah, right, I say. He’s been wishing me happy birthday since his birthday passed in September. Oh well, he’s already wished me happy birthday probably 38 times anyway.

I went into the kitchen and thought about making a cake. Eh, instead I figured I’d make a batch of chocolate chip cookies and use the two new cookie sheets I bought last week. Bake for 8-10 minutes at 350 degrees and we’d have some really great tasting cookies as soon as they cooled. Wrong! Within five minutes of baking, I could smell the burnt bottoms. I won’t say what new name I gave those cookie sheets, but it wasn’t Echoware and it certainly wasn’t ‘no stick’.

By this time, the vice-like grip on my temples had encompassed my entire head. I was in no mood for cookies, especially burnt ones.

Two Feather heard me in the kitchen, came in, and asked what was wrong. Oh nothing, I said. I made cookies and their bottoms are burnt, and they’re not even finished baking. Guess I should have made a cake, maybe I could have burned that too, but of course I should wait to make that on the 11th, when you tell me happy birthday, right?

He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me so tight. I didn’t tell you happy birthday yet did I? No, I said. We’ve had a lot on our minds lately. I know the breakfast and fire was all part of it, but…

But I didn’t tell you happy birthday. I’m sorry I didn’t say it when you called this morning. I know it’s your birthday. I don’t know why I didn’t say it.

It doesn’t matter, I said. Somehow I knew this birthday should go by unnoticed. I even wrote that in my blog yesterday. It’s just another day and there’s too many other things to worry about.

He grabbed a cookie off the cookie sheet and said these aren’t that bad, have one. Happy birthday, honey.

He grabbed a few more cookies and asked me to go in the living room and lie down to try to get rid of the migraine.

The phone rang. He knew it would be one of my daughters and before I answered he smiled and said, happy birthday. I knew it wouldn’t be Stacey because she told me last week that she didn’t have cell phone power where she works. I didn’t think she’d be calling until evening. Besides, I got a card in the mail from her the day before my birthday along with a half dozen cards from some of my friends. I called her on the 6th and thanked her for the card and wished her stepson, my grandson Deandre happy birthday at the same time. Oh good, you got it already; that saves me from having to call tomorrow, she said joking.

It was Angel who called when the phone rang and she asked what I was doing. I said I was lying on the couch watching the news trying to get rid of a headache. She asked if I could baby-sit Katie for a few hours next Monday when she comes in for another appointment. Sure, I said, and she said, okay I’ll talk to you later and we hung up. I knew she had it in mind to wish me happy birthday, but with her traveling four hours for interviews, trying to sell her house, packing, and trying to make arrangements for everything long distance, it slipped her mind. Oh well, she’ll call back when she has time.

I curled back up on the couch, pulled a blanket over my head, and tried to go to sleep mumbling, “Oh well, I did say I wanted my birthday to go by unnoticed.” Then I cried.

I couldn’t go to sleep so I picked one of our movies to watch. Two Feather slipped the VHS into the player and hit play. The movie had black streaks all through the middle of it. We tried another movie; the black streaks were still there. I ran the head cleaner in the VCR and tried the movie again. Still black streaks. Oh well, guess the VCR needs to be replaced.

We watched TV for the remaining time I had at home. I picked up Mom and the nurse at the day care told me I looked tired. I told her I had a migraine and was going to spend the rest of my birthday in bed. She wished me happy birthday. Mom asked whose birthday it was and I said mine. She said, happy birthday, honey, I didn’t know today was your birthday. I said, I know Mom, oh well, it’s just another day. Her knowing was there and gone within seconds. Oh well, I knew she didn’t know the date or that it was my birthday; I didn’t expect her to.

I made her dinner and washed her and dressed her for bed making sure I let the heater run in her bedroom for a while so she would be warm.

The part for the furnace was supposed to come in on my birthday too. I knew Tom had a furnace installation so didn’t think he’d be coming to fix our furnace Wednesday. The part probably didn’t come in until late afternoon anyway. Oh well, we have heaters.

Angel called about 6 PM singing happy birthday. She said she meant to tell me earlier, but she’d had so much on her mind trying to get things arranged, it slipped her mind. Do I know my daughters well, or what? ;) Love you, honey. Thanks for calling back.

Stacey called and wished me happy birthday right after I hung up from talking to Angel. Love you too, Stacey. She said I sounded tired. I laughed and told her what the day had been like, that I was still fighting this migraine, and I was going to bed. And I did!

So there you have it. That was my birthday in a nutshell. The breakfast was great, the fire was soothing, the cookies weren’t that bad, Mom’s house was warm from the heaters, and everyone who matters in my life did end up wishing me happy birthday. And that includes all you wonderful caregiver friends, the AW group, and all who sent me cards. Hugs to you all, you know who you are.

If you noticed, on the 4th I mentioned I’d tucked Mom safely and ‘warmly’ in bed, and during the night the furnace stopped working. On the 6th I wrote that I’d just as soon my birthday go by without notice and, well…you read the story. LOL

One thing I do know for sure, I’ll be very careful what I write in my blog from now on. You never know when the Creator is going to take you serious.

By the way, I still have my migraine. And oh yes, while I’m in the mood, She…i…la, I hope you’re enjoying ‘watching me’ from work and home, though I can’t imagine, since your rude October 1 comment, why you’ve logged in and read my blog 57 times since I make you SO sick. (Yes, I have all the dates and times logged from each computer) Did you bother to tell your husband that his mother’s furnace quit working? Did either of you bother to call to make sure she was okay? Of course not. Nice of you both to show so much concern for my mother! Talk about sick! Oh well!

Sorry I didn’t post this earlier, you would have been able to read it at 8:01PM when you logged in from home. Guess you’ll see this when you log in.

Have a wonderful day.

Good Day for Sitting By the Fire

Sunday night Angel came in about 8:00 PM and stayed the night with me at Mom’s house because she had to meet the house inspector in the morning and she had an appointment in Pittsburgh in the afternoon. Mom was asleep by the time Angel arrived so she didn’t get to see her. While I got Mom up to get ready for day care, Angel was getting dressed to leave. We figured it would be better if Angel didn’t go in the kitchen while she ate breakfast because it would have confused Mom. We went on our way and Angel waited for me to come back. Two Feather and I followed her to the house to get a short tour while the inspector was doing his work. It’s a very nice home with beautiful hardwood floors and a nice yard, and it’s only eight miles from our place. After her appointments, Angel headed back home to Mechanicsburg.

She’s moving closer to home and Stacey just moved back to Alabama. :( One of these days I’ll get to see Stacey’s house down south. Stacey called today and said she got a job. She starts tomorrow. She sounded really excited about it. I can’t wait to hear from her after she’s there a few days to see how she likes it.

When Two Feather and I got home from seeing Angel’s house he made a fire in the fireplace. The crisp cold air seemed to go right through us while we were walking around outside. It was a good day for staying indoors and sitting by the fire.

We made buffalo steaks again today for lunch and sat in the living room and watched TV while we ate. The day seemed to fly by so quickly.

I picked Mom up from day care and they told me she complained she had a stomachache about fifteen minutes before I got there. She was having a difficult time in the bathroom as well. The beautician came today and styled Mom’s hair. She does such a beautiful job on Mom’s hair. Next month it will be done the Monday right before Thanksgiving, so Mom will look great for the holiday.

On the way home, Mom said she was hungry. I’m glad all I had to do was heat up dinner when we got home because her appetite doesn’t last long. Since Two and I had eaten such a big lunch, I wasn’t hungry, but Mom sure enjoyed the buffalo steak, baked potato, and squash I brought home for her. Two Feather came down and sat at the table and talked with Mom and me while she ate. She didn’t eat a lot, but at least she ate some and she thanked Two Feather for making such a delicious meal.

He went home shortly after and Mom went to bed. I went to bed once Mom was asleep.

The Greatest Love of All

It’s been a long time since I’ve listened to some of my favorite songs; songs with heartfelt words that have helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life. I remember my childhood and my life very well. I’m not perfect and I’ve never claimed to be as such, but I know all my decisions came from my heart and my heart has never led me down the wrong path. With each trial and tribulation, no matter what the adversities, I’ve picked myself up, brushed myself off, and continued on; hoping the experience gave me the wisdom and the strength to be a better person and share what I’ve learned with others—to help others.

I have my parents to thank for that piece of wisdom. No matter what I’d been through, my parents were there for me, and through the years, they know I’ve always been there for them—just as I am today with my mom in her battle with Alzheimer’s.

Thank you, Dad and Mom, for showing me the greatest love of all.
Greatest Love Of All

I’d like to think that I raised my children with the same morals, respect, and love in which my parents raised me. Some people may say I was spoiled and that I spoiled my children, but I look at things differently; I look at everything as an experience and give honor to my parents for allowing me to be myself and experience life, make decisions, while helping me meet my dreams by their words of encouragement.

As my parents encouraged me, I encouraged my daughters. In 1992, my daughter Angel decided she wanted to enter the Miss Teen Of Pennsylvania Pageant. I encouraged her along the way and my parents did as well. They made the trip to Altoona to watch the pageant and share in what would be just one of her many decisions and journeys in life. All week before the pageant, Angel seemed very distant to me. I remember thinking at the time that she was nervous and staying in her room with the door closed was her way of sorting out her thoughts. It was, but it was also her way of keeping something from me that she didn’t want me to know. Our family had gone through some hard times for a few years; I’d had a stroke, my dad had a stroke the year after mine, among other things that seem so far in the past now that they don’t require a mention. Again, music and the meaningful words of those songs lifted my spirits and reminded me how important life is and how somewhere out there is someone for everyone.

During the talent section of the pageant, Angel walked on stage with the brightest smile, looked at me sitting in the audience and said, “This is for my mom.”

Somewhere Out There

The tape that she’d had the background music on stopped just after a few notes. The pageant coordinators tried restarting the tape again, but it didn’t work. The second time the tape was started and stopped, Angel stood proud, and sang Somewhere Out There A Cappella. When the song was complete, she received a standing ovation for her song and her ability to continue on without the use of the music. She dashed off the stage, in tears, and ran into the hallway. I met her there with the brightest smile I’d smiled in years. She said, “I’m sorry, Mom. I wanted you to be proud of me and surprise you.” As I wiped her tears and mine, I said, “Honey, I am proud of you. You stood there and sang your heart out despite the problem.” I was surprised that she’d picked that song to sing for me, but I wasn’t surprised as to how she handled the situation. She picked herself up, brushed herself off, and she kept going. She did make me proud and she continues to make me proud everyday. Thank you, Angel, for being you and learning that being stubborn and gracious can go hand in hand.

I’m not sure why so many memories are flooding my brain lately. Despite the fact that some memories are a bit hard to swallow I still know that I wouldn’t change anything in my life. Everything I’ve been through, and every person I’ve met along the way, has made some type of impact on my life. Whether good or bad, those impacts made me who I am today.

Friendships come and go, but for some of us, we treasure them forever. Thank you to all my friends who’ve been an important part of my life and made those impacts. You all know who you are! My mom has always been my best friend my entire life. This song goes out to her and all those I hold close.

You've Got A Friend

There are many songs that have come and gone yet the words seem to have so much depth for so many. I can’t think of how many times my daughters’ Angel and Stacey have stood beside me through thick and thin. Angel, though we are so much alike and have butt heads in the past, you’ve never needed to try to make me proud, pride is a natural instinct that is built in the heart of mothers. I think you know that now that you have your own little girl. Stacey, who always kept to herself and still pretty much does, has always been my sounding board and still is. “Beaches” has always been one of her favorite movies, and its theme song became one of my favorite songs. I want you both to know that I love you very much and always will and you both make me very proud. This song is for both of you because you are the wind beneath my wings.

Wind Beneath My Wings

Through all the years, through all the good and the bad, I’ve listened to the words my dad once spoke to me during one of the most difficult times in my life. He said, “No matter what, don’t let anyone ever use you as a doormat. You deserve more than that. I don’t say it often, but always remember I love you and I’m here for you.” My dad didn’t say “I love you” often. He didn’t need to, but through the years he was always there for me as was my mother. They never let me down. In many ways, my dad is still there for me now. This song is for Mom, Dad, Angel, Stacey, and Two Feather. Thank you for being there for me. I’d like to think I’ve been there for you too.

Through The Years

And just to throw in a real oldie, for old time sake, here’s one that’s always been special to my heart, not because of the words, but because of the memory. My oldest brother, Bob, and I were very close at one time. He and his friends had a small band and would practice in my mom and dad’s basement. He’d practice before the guys came over and he'd let me sing the background music for him. When the guys were there, I knew not to bother him. I’d sit on the steps and listen; smiling the whole time, knowing that he’d let me sing with him when his friends weren’t around. Yes, I do remember, Bob, even though those times happened in the spring of our years. By the way, did you ever finish that book? Thanks for those memories, Bob. I’m still pretty good in the background.
Come Softly To Me

Hope you’ve enjoyed my trip down memory lane. There’s plenty more to come. Get ready, because I spent Friday going through all my old pictures and my uncle’s albums. I’m sure I’ll be able to piece together a beautiful new memory album for Mom. As soon as I have time, I’ll share some pictures from the good old days.

Have a great day everyone, and remember finding love inside yourself and sharing it is the greatest love of all.

Happy Birthday, Mom!!!

I got Mom up at 9:30 as usual to begin her day. Instead of the normal, “Good morning, Mom, it’s time to get up,” I began her day with, “Good morning, Mom. Happy Birthday!!”

I’d been telling her all week that her birthday was Saturday, they even sang Happy Birthday to her at the Adult Day Care yesterday, but she didn’t remember. She started her birthday off with a bang. Three trips to the bathroom and before she even had the chance to eat breakfast; we’d already cleaned her up and changed her clothes three times. I felt so bad for her. She becomes angry with herself, then becomes embarrassed, then feels bad that I have to clean her up. My heart wrenches when she has those few lucid moments and realizes that she has no control over her functions. I truly hate this disease Alzheimer’s and what it is taking from my mom. If there is anything good about Alzheimer’s disease, it is the fact that our loved ones don’t remember the embarrassment; the next moment is a new moment and it’s as if what happened before never happened—because it’s lost from their memory.

Breakfast was scrambled eggs, fried potatoes, juice and coffee. She loved her breakfast and ate nearly half of it.

Two Feather came down after breakfast and gave her a card he’d made and picked wildflowers for her and gave them to her. She loved both the flowers and card.


She kept telling him what a nice person he is and how she’s so lucky to have him in her life. He was thanked at least a half dozen times for the card and flowers. Mom just loves Two Feather so much. He always makes her smile and brightens her day.

While Two was there, I gave Mom the four new pair of pants we bought her. I’d written a poem for her, but she had a hard time reading it. It wasn’t just the size of the type; she was having a difficult time figuring out the words. So I read it to her.

Happy Birthday, Mom © Joanne D. Kiggins 2007

Mom, when the Creator gave you life,
I’m sure he had a plan.
For you to be a mother and a wife,
and mainstay of this clan.

Through the years,
you’ve taught me right from wrong.
Through good times and tears,
you’ve helped me to be strong.

You’ve given me joy in my heart
and made my life so full.
I’m so thankful for being just one part
of your wonderful world.

You watched me grow from a little girl,
to the woman I am today.
Through your eyes I’ve seen this world
and we continue on our way.

Through the years you’ve listened, loved and cared,
showing me what was in your heart.
I thank you for all we’ve shared
and giving me that precious part.

I only hope over the years,
I’ve been the best I could be.
Making you laugh more than giving you tears;
being as good for you, as you’ve been for me.

So Mom, through the years and on this special day,
you’ve been led through the Creator’s plan.
Over all the years, forever, and today
you’ve been the most precious part of this clan.

Yes, Mom we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve made time fly.
Best friends are we, you and me.

HAPPY BIRHTDAY MOM!!! I love you!

Mom listened to each word as I read and with each word more tears flowed. Knowing that she understood even part of what I’d read touched us all deeply. She reached for me and hugged my neck and said, “Thank you so much, honey. That was beautiful. Thank you for everything.”

She thanked Two Feather again for the card and flowers, told him she loved him, and he excused himself to go off to work chopping wood again.

After all the tears were dried, I placed all the cards in front of her that she received in the mail. There was a card from her neighbors, her pen pal, my daughter Stacey & her family, a card from my oldest brother with pictures they’d taken of him and Mom and his wife and Mom during their recent visit, and a card from my other brother and his wife. We placed all the cards on the dining room table as we always do and we leaned the pictures against candleholders in the living room where she could see them everyday.

My daughter Angel called about noon and asked if they could visit about 1:30 or 2:00 and I told her that would be fine since the OT nurse would be gone by then.

The OT nurse came about 12:45. She asked Mom to show her how she gets up out of her chair in the kitchen and living room. Then they went to the bedroom for a demonstration of how she gets in and out of bed. Then, she was instructed to go to the bathroom to show the nurse how she gets in and out of the bathtub for a shower. Mom chuckled and asked, “With my clothes on?”

We all chuckled about that and the nurse explained she just wanted to see how well Mom does with her daily needs around the house. Of course, since Mom had been up for three hours, she was a bit more limber and performed all the transfers fairly well. The nurse asked if she was always able to move this freely and Mom said, “No. Not really. But I’m awake now.”

The OT nurse said she’d be coming back a few more times but would have to call the insurance company to find out how many times Mom was allotted therapy and she would call to schedule her next visit next week sometime. She was finished and left at 1:25.

My oldest brother called, as I was ready to walk the nurse to the door. He and I talked for a few minutes, I told him how Mom was doing with all the therapy, and I gave the phone to Mom.

Angel, Tim, and Katie came at 1:30. They gave her a card and a new shirt.


Alzheimer’s is such a thieving disease. It not only affects our loved ones, it affects the family members as well. We never did take Mom out for dinner because she was still having bathroom problems while Angel and Tim were there and she was worn out from the OT nurse being there.

We even managed to talk Katie into sitting on Mom’s lap for a picture. Angel, Tim and Katie left about 3:15 when Mom said she was tired. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. Maybe we’ll take her out for lunch if all goes well.

Stacey called, but her cell wouldn’t hold a signal so she said she’d call back tomorrow.

I heated up one of the meals I’d made on one of my “all-night” cooking sprees when Mom was roaming through the house a few weeks ago after nightmares. Those prepared meals made it really convenient to pull out two stuffed chicken breast dinners, with carrots. I had a package of sugar free cupcakes and put a candle in one for Mom’s birthday treat. She thought that was a great idea. She was only able to take a few bites of the cupcake after eating dinner, so we wrapped it up to save it for tomorrow.

All in all, Mom’s birthday went very well. She enjoyed the cards, and the visits from Two Feather and my daughter and her family, but in between each she still didn’t remember it was her birthday, even immediately after opening her cards and gifts.

Mom was in bed and loudly snoring by 5:15. She’d had a busy and happy birthday!

Oh yes, Laura, I did tell Mom you said, “Happy Birthday.” She said, “Tell your friend thank you.”

By the way, yesterday, Two Feather spent the entire day working on the Mule and got it fixed. No need to call for service! And no, Laura, it's not a "live" mule. LOL

Alzheimer's -- Living Day by Day, Moment to Moment

In my last post, I showed you pictures of my daughter’s visit last weekend. Those were the good points of the visit; snap shots of family members who drive for hours to visit Mom and me once a month with hopes that she’ll remember them just a little bit longer.

With Alzheimer’s Disease you never know from one moment to the next what your loved one remembers, or what they don’t. You can only hope that each day as a caregiver you’ve made them comfortable, given them the loving support they need to live with dignity, and pray that when they wake in the morning, they remember who you are. And when the day comes that they ask, “Who are you?” you pray for the strength to hold back the tears and answer.

Even as often as my daughters Angel and Stacey visit, my mom didn’t recognize my daughter Stacey this past weekend. Mom watched her as she talked, spoke to her as if she knew her, then, she asked, “Do you have kids?” Stacey smiled, and without hesitation said, “Yes, two. My daughter, Trinity, is seven, and my son, Quenton, is two.” My heart ached for my daughter because Mom didn’t know her; my daughter’s heart ached for her grandmother’s memory loss, rather than for herself.

I’m proud of both my daughters, for understanding the disease, for taking the time out of their busy schedules and making it a point to travel four hours to visit, and for being the loving daughters and granddaughters they are.

It’s sad watching my mom’s mind fade. I see a piece of her slip away each day. I miss my mom; the vibrant happy woman who was always so excited to see her grandchildren and great-grandchildren visit; the woman who talked to me, mother to daughter, for hours; the woman who gave me life and loved me unconditionally. Yes, my mom is still here, but the person she was is gone.

She moves slower and slower each day. I dress her in the morning; get her situated in her chair at the kitchen table, talk to her while I make her breakfast, and watch her expressions to tell me what kind of day she will have. If she has difficulty finding her mouth with the utensils, I know she’s having a bad day. Though she’s overweight for her size, she’s not lost weight with her diminished appetite. She struggles to get out of her chair and I come to her aid. She ain’t heavy, she’s my mother.

Mom’s always tired by 4:00 PM, but I’ve noticed in the last week that she seems more exhausted than usual. Less talkative and less aware of her surroundings. The intermittent memories are no longer coming back to her. Out of sight, out of mind.

Yesterday morning we were sitting in the living room and I noticed her frown as her eyes scanned the many pictures on her bookshelf. I didn’t need to ask if she knew the people in the photographs. The wrinkles in her forehead told me she wondered who they were. I stood up, walked to the pictures, pulled them off the shelf, and took them to her. I handed her a photo of my dad. She knew Dad. The next two photos were of her grandson, his wife, and two daughters. She had no idea who they were. The next picture was of my brother, her oldest son, and his wife. She said they looked like someone she knew, but she didn’t know who they were. The next picture was of my second brother, her son, and his wife, but she didn’t know them either. The next picture was a four-generation picture taken five years ago with her, my two daughters, my granddaughter and me. She knew herself.

I placed the pictures back on the shelf and prayed for strength in handling the next stage of Alzheimer’s disease.

When my mom didn’t recognize my daughter last weekend, I thought Mom slipped to a new stage in the disease. When she didn’t recall the visit after a reminding prompt, I knew.

We moved from the living room to the kitchen for an early lunch. She looked around as she sat and said, “Dad built those cabinets. I remember because you told me he did.” I answered, “Yes, he did. He was a wonderful carpenter.”

I turned to smile at her and saw her eyes filled with tears and her chin quiver as she struggled to speak. “Was? You mean he’s gone? Did he pass away? When?” As she sobbed, I knelt next to her chair to comfort her. I held her, wishing I could do more than apologize for not realizing she didn’t remember he was gone. “I thought he was at work,” she said, as I dried her tears. My dad passed away nine years ago. Last week she remembered that. Today, she didn’t.

My brother called and said he was coming to visit. When he walked in the door, I knew she didn’t recognize him. I asked her if she knew who he was. She said “no”.

That was yesterday. Today was not better.

I woke up Mom as I normally do every morning, placed her clothes on the bed, and walked her to the bathroom. Before we made it to the bathroom door she began to sob uncontrollably. I sat her in the kitchen chair and asked her what was wrong. Her words shocked me. “I’m dying,” she said. My mom never speaks of death and if the subject is ever brought up, she changes it. For her to say she’s dying was an utter shock to me. “Why do you say that, Mom?” I asked. Her answer was short, quick, and heartbreaking. “Because I am. I can feel it, and I’m scared.”

I did the only thing I knew to do, hug her. And I responded with the first thing that came to my mind, my dad.

“Mom, don’t be afraid. When it’s your time, you’ll be with Dad again, and that’s something to look forward to.”

“You’re right,” she said. “I never thought of it like that.”

She dried her tears and we continued with our day; getting her shower, getting her dressed, and getting her breakfast. The day continued on a similar note with her watching me in the same way she watched my daughter last week. She talked, constantly asking questions; she asked about her house, how long she’s lived there, where was my husband and why doesn’t he stay here with her and me, and she asked if I’d be okay when she died.

“I’ll be okay, Mom. Don’t worry about me.”

As the day progressed, she regressed, and by 4:00 PM she was once again exhausted. She wanted to go to bed earlier than usual, and after the rough weekend we’d had, I was inclined to agree, so we started our bedtime routine.

Every night for the past three years my mom has said the same words to me as I dress her for bed. “Thank you, honey, for staying with me and taking care of me. You’re a wonderful daughter and I love you.”

Tonight, she didn’t say those words.

Tonight, she asked, “Who are you?”

I bit my lip, held back the tears and said, “I’m your daughter.”

Her eyes brightened and she gasped, “You’re my daughter. That’s wonderful!”

“Do you know my name?” I asked.

“No, will you tell me?”

“Joanne. My name is Joanne, Mom.”

“That’s a beautiful name. Did I give it to you?”

“Yes, Mom. You did.”

I hugged Mom, kissed her, and tucked her into bed as usual.

“I love you, Mom.”

“I love you, too. You’d better get some sleep. You’re going to need it,” she said.

“Good night. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“I don’t think so. Get some sleep. You’re going to need it,” she said again.
I kissed her forehead and walked out of her room repeating, “I love you, Mom. Good night. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Since then, for the past six hours, I’ve been sitting in my room upstairs, in deep thought-- a sort of stunned, dazed frame of mind. Each day for three years I’ve never known what the next day might bring. We’ve lived day by day, moment to moment, not knowing what the next moment might be like, but I’ve cherished every moment I’ve had with her.

I don’t know what tomorrow might bring, but with her strange discussions this weekend, I do know I’ll be staying close to her side, rather than listening to her breathing come through a baby monitor in my room.

For her sake, when it is her time, I pray she passes peacefully in her sleep. And when she does, I know she’ll be in a better place and she’ll be okay.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her, I won’t.

Good night, Mom. I love you. I’ll see you in the morning.

No Power, But Still A Wonderful Visit

My daughter, Stacey, came in Thursday evening after the storm. Two Feather had to cut the trees more and move them from the drive so she wouldn’t have a problem getting down the driveway after dark. She wasn’t aware we didn’t have power until she was in Cranberry and called my cell phone to let me know she was close to home. She and Two Feather entertained each other all evening by candlelight.

I found out how much we truly depend on electric. No electric means no stove, no lights, no water, no flushing the toilet, no anything! By the time Mom gets home from day care, she’s tired. There’s only time to eat and get her ready for bed before her eyes show signs of dozing off at the table. So I had to hurry to get things done before the sun went down. I made sandwiches and a salad and Mom and I talked at the kitchen table for a bit before she went to bed.

Then, I headed upstairs in the dark. Nothing to do, but sit and wonder when the electric would come back on. I tried reading by flashlight, but that didn’t work. My eyes are getting too bad for that. I tried lighting a half dozen candles and using a flashlight to try to get some writing done, but that didn’t work either. Do you know how hard it is to hold a flashlight, hold paper, and try to write at the same time? Believe me, it’s not easy. I finally gave up, called Two on the cell phone and told him I was going to bed. Figured I might as well catch up on some sleep. Yeah right. When you want to sleep, it escapes you. I leaned against my pillow and stared at the stars out the window, hoping for morning to come quick so I would have something to do.

Friday, Two Feather, Stacey, and I went to a large outdoor flea market. It is the market where Two used to set up and sell his Indian art. We spent the day there. Stacey was looking for a puppy. We walked from one end of the market to the other twice because she couldn’t decide between a six-week-old Jack Russell or a Puggle. Yes, I said Puggle. I’d never heard of the breed before, but I soon found out it is a mix between a Pug and a Beagle. And, oh are they cute! Stacey ended up choosing the Puggle. He’s adorable and he took to her right away. He follows her around and listens to her very well.

This is Soup. Yes, that’s his name. When she picked him up and decided he was the one she wanted, she asked Two Feather what he thought of her dog. He said, “Yep, he’s soup.” It’s a long story. An Indian story some wouldn’t want to hear. LOL Anyway, she liked the story and she named him Soup. Two, Stacey, and Soup went to my house and later sat by candlelight for the evening, because we still had no electric.

I picked Mom up at the day care at the regular time. After she was in bed, instead of trying to read or write as I did Thursday night, I decided to try sleeping again. Sleep didn’t come any easier Friday night either.

Angel, Tim, and Katelyn came in Friday night and stayed at Tim’s mom’s house. Our power came on for about an hour Friday evening; long enough for me to post the winners of the Absolute Write August Freelance Contest. Then it went out again until sometime early Saturday morning.

Everyone came to Mom’s house on Saturday. Here’s everyone in the kitchen. Mom, of course, had to turn just as I snapped the shot, Stacey is leaning against the wall, Angel is to her right, Tim is sitting in the chair, and Two Feather is standing over by the door. Yes, there is someone standing there. He just blends in with the woodwork.

Katie took her second ride on Pap Pap Two’s Mule. Daddy rode along this time.

Bammaw (that’s me) was given the pleasure of holding Katie. She was more interested in the puppy than me, but that’s okay, at least she let me hold her this time. She’s not one to sit very long. She’d rather be on her own two feet running around now that she’s walking. She’s growing so fast.


Stacey’s been living and working in Mechanicburg, PA since February, waiting for her husband, Dennis, to retire from the Army. So he stayed in Alabama in their house and applied for jobs. He applied for jobs in PA, but received a good job offer right near where they lived in Alabama. Stacey visited by herself this time because Trinity and Quenton went back to Alabama with Dennis to start school and Stacey will be moving back in September. :(

Here’s a picture of Auntie Stacey with Katie and one with Angel’s hubby, Tim.

Katie had fun picking up sticks and stones in the yard and playing with the dogs. Here she is being held by Angel over the sink washing her hands before she eats lunch.

It was a nice weekend visiting with the kids. I miss being at my home, but after they visit here at Mom’s, I miss it even more. Everyone left Mom’s at 3:30 so I could make dinner and get her ready for bed. A lot of activity for more than a few hours tires Mom out. My girls visit often enough to recognize when Mom’s looking tired and it’s time for their visit to end. They also know that my day ends and life sort of stops at 5:00 PM when Mom crawls into bed because she’s exhausted by then.

I miss being able to sit on my deck or in my house and talk with my daughters until the wee hours of the morning like we used to do when they visited. It’s difficult sitting in an upstairs bedroom, trying to find things to keep myself busy, knowing that there’s another whole world out there that I’ve forgotten how to live in because my world revolves around my mom. What is more difficult is watching Mom’s world get smaller and smaller by the day. More and more of her memory fades with each passing day. I’ll talk more about that later.
I'll end this post on a bit brighter note, though. Here's another picture of Bammaw and Katie. I think she was trying to tell me it was time to get down and run around again.